


every house looks the same in my dreams

by fowles



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: AU, F/F, the entire set up is bonkers idk why i thought of this, they hate each other and then (spoiler) fall in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 38,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29170137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fowles/pseuds/fowles
Summary: “Martha joined a cult.”Toni chokes. “What?!"_____AU: Toni hasn't properly spoken to Martha in years. But when you hear that your best friend has joined a cult, you kind of have to put old grudges on hold and go save their ass. Even if that means dealing with her 'new best friend' Shelby Goodkind and her whack-job family.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 214
Kudos: 463





	1. What did I tell you, Dot?

“Martha joined a cult.”

Toni chokes. " _What_?” She wipes the dribble of coffee that spilled out of her mouth at Mrs. Blackburn’s words.

Her voice on the other end of the phone is panicked. “She joined a cult. Some weird, hippie movement that meets in the woods.”

Toni massages the growing headache forming in her temples. “How did she even find a cult?”

“Some friend from school turned her on it,” Mrs. Blackburn sighs, “Toni, I know you and Martha… haven’t been on the best terms these past couple of years. But you’re family. I know it would mean a lot to her if you were the one to pick her up.”

“I don’t know,” she replies, scratching at her chipped mug, “I don’t think she loves me like that anymore.”

She can practically feel Mrs. Blackburn’s frown through the phone. “Don’t be silly, Toni, she’ll always love you. I know she hasn’t said it, but she’s really proud of how far you’ve come. We all are.”

A thickness forms in her throat, causing her to swallow it painfully. Her eyes drift to the lone picture she has of Martha in her room. It’s sitting on her desk, blocked by recipe books for work and scattered tax statements she has to fill out soon.

She hasn’t seen Martha since last Thanksgiving, when Toni popped in for a couple of hours, before leaving to catch a bus ride to her next job in Austin. As always, the interaction was awkward. Martha was still waiting for an apology that Toni didn’t know how to give. How do you apologize for something you can barely speak into words?

“I’m sorry,” Mrs. Blackburn’s words cuts through her thoughts, “I know this is a lot to ask you. You’re probably super busy at the new restaurant, right? Where are you now anyways?”

“Denver,” she mumbles, debating for only a moment before stating, “I’ll get her, Mrs. Blackburn. You all did so much for me growing up, it’s the least I could do.”

“You’re not owed to us, Toni. That’s not why I called you.”

“I know. I want to, too. Marty’s had my back, now it’s time I had hers.”

The rest of the phone call is spent getting details, all the while her mind whirls with the possibility of seeing her best friend again.

Pictures of their youth together flash through her mind. The sleepovers, summer days spent cycling around their neighborhood, more ice cream than their stomachs could handle. They were best friends, fuck that, they were sisters.

And, like usual, Toni had to fuck it up.

That night, in what was supposed to be her freshman year of college, ruined things between her and Marty. She ran from the Blackburns the next month, the guilt too much to bear, and took all her belongings in a duffel bag, spending the last of her savings on a bus ride to New Orleans.

The city changed her life. Before, she had no hopes, no ideas of how to spend the rest of her life. The glossy future she originally planned for herself died the same day she lost her basketball scholarship.

There wasn’t much good work for someone with no connections, no college education, or work experience. She was lucky enough to secure a job as a dishwasher for a local restaurant. The mindless task of cleaning dishes soothed her mind and she found getting lost in the monotony; a much-needed relief from the constant guilt plaguing her mind.

It was through that, she met Dean Young, the Executive Chef. She doesn’t know what he could have possibly seen in just a dishwasher, but he took her under his wings. Showed her the ropes of the kitchen, allowed her to learn how to prep, and finally work her way up to Commis Chef. His connections let her secure a job in another reputable restaurant, which allowed her to be hired elsewhere in New York, then Detroit, Chicago, the list goes on.

She hasn’t had a true home since the Blackburns, and that’s exactly how she likes it. Toni had spent enough years in the foster care system to know that people and places are temporary. In the end, every city looks the same and every person is the same: fleeting.

But it was Marty. And if it’s true that her best friend joined a cult, then Toni had a responsibility to haul her ass to Washington and save her.

She just hopes that Marty will want to be saved.

* * *

She’s an hour and a half away from the North Cascades National Park when she realizes she’s much too hungry to finish the trip without food. According to her GPS, she’s about ten minutes away from a small-town diner, so she changes routes and hightails it to the place.

Toni has been driving almost non-stop for twenty-hours and she’s on the brink of insanity. She’s been chugging coffee and fist feeding herself McDonald's and her stomach is about to hurl if she’s to have either of those options again.

The diner she pulls into is quaint, consisting mostly of truckers and the spare townsperson.

She squeezes in an empty booth and begins flicking through the menu, trying to see if anything here could be edible enough to soothe her stomach.

Two voices behind her grab her attention.

“I’m pretty sure this burger meat is still alive.”

“I bet this is one of those establishments that take roadkill and deep fry them, hoping we won’t notice.”

“Please don’t fucking suggest my burger is actually a dead raccoon they found.”

“I didn’t say raccoon, babe, you did.”

“Ugh, whatever, I can’t eat this now. Let’s just dip and grab McDonald's. If we don’t arrive at camp by two, then we’ll lose all the good tent spots.”

“Oh fuck no, if my tent is anywhere near the Goodkind's then I won’t get laid once this trip.”

Toni’s ears perk up at the mention of Goodkind. That’s the name of the person Mrs. Blackburn said brought Martha into this mess.

Two girls, who she assumes are the owners of the voices, start to pass by her and Toni reaches out to grab the wrist of one of them.

The wrist belongs to a shorter girl, with red hair cut to her shoulders, and an impressive amount of cargo incorporated in her outfit. Her friend is her polar opposite, dressed in a sleek black jumper with a huge puffy pink jacket on top. The flashy one lifts an eyebrow and smirks at the sight of Toni’s grip on her friend's wrist.

“Got yourself an admirer, Dottie?”

Dottie wiggles out of Toni’s grasp. “Dude, what the fuck?”

“The Goodkind's,” Toni says, “You know them?”

The two exchange a look.

“Who’s asking?” The flashy friend asks.

“My friend, she’s caught up with the Goodkind's, some kind of cult business in the woods. I don’t fucking know.”

They exchange a look again, before busting out in simultaneous laughter, drawing the attention of the rest of the diner. Toni frowns, her pride kicking in at the thought of being made fun of.

“I wasn’t fucking joking,” she grits out, trying to remember to keep her calm and count evenly in her head.

The flashy friend slides into the booth across from Toni, Dottie following her with a barely concealed sigh.

“Sorry girl, but calling Dawn of Eve a cult is just perfect, you have no idea.”

Toni’s heart sinks. “So it’s really a cult then? How dangerous is it?”

They both laugh before Dottie takes in her worried expression and sobers up. “Dude, no, sorry. It’s not actually a cult, the people who just run it are intense.”

“What do you mean? Is Marty’s safe?”

The flashy friend grins. “Your friend’s not in any real danger unless you count converting to Christianity and being a bible-thumper dangerous.”

Toni frowns. “Yeah, I 100% do.”

She laughs in response. “The name’s Fatin, by the way, and this is my girl Dot.”

“Her girl in a platonic soulmate type of way. I have a boyfriend.”

Fatin rolls her eyes. “She’s so insecure of her cargo pants.”

Toni can’t help but laugh, their dynamic reminding her of how easy it used to be with Martha. The thought of her friend brings her back to the situation at hand.

“So this Dawn of Eve. It’s not a cult? Just religious?”

Dot grins, leaning in conspiratorially. “Have you ever heard of Big Foot?”

Toni stares back. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Fatin laughs loudly. “I love telling people for the first time. Their faces,” she kisses her fingers in a Chef’s Kudos.

“You’re telling me, Marty is looking for Big Foot?”

Dot shrugs. “We all are. Dawn of Eve is this church group that hosts the biggest search party every year. I got involved in high school cause a girl I knew from school’s Dad kind of runs the thing. I dragged Fatin here a couple of years back.”

“It sounds super lame, but if you get past the Jesus part it’s just a big excuse to get drunk in the woods and meet hot singles,” Fatin adds.

“And you actually believe you’re going to find Big Foot?”

“Some are really into it. The Goodkind's especially. Most of the people who come aren’t even that religious, they just put up with the group cause they’re funding everything.”

“How does Jesus come into play with fucking Big Foot?”

Fatin waves her hand in dismissal. “They think it’ll prove that Creationism exists and that the Earth was really around just for 2,000 years. All bullshit of course, but they provide the food and organize everything so I’m not complaining.”

Toni leans back so she’s resting against the booth’s cushion. “I gotta get Marty the fuck out of there.”

“This year is going to be good,” Fatin says to Dot with a sly grin, “Here we have a Hot Outsider coming on the scene, dramatically saving her friend from the evil clutches of Christianity.”

Toni can’t help but play along with the friendliness Fatin so easily exudes. “Beating down colonizers is kinda my thing.” She ends it with a wink that has Fatin smiling with a surprised interest.

Dot cuts in. “Okay, okay, no more flirting. We’re going to be beyond late now.” She slides out of the booth and pulls Fatin with her. “You can follow us in your car if you’d like?”

Toni shakes her head. “Thanks, but I really should eat.”

Dot shakes her head. “Good luck with that, the food here is questionable at best.”

Toni remembers their earlier conversation she overheard and sighs. The only bad part about working in kitchens is your palette becomes undeniably picky.

“Yeah, good point. Okay, I’ll follow after you guys.”

Fatin waves with a wink, putting on a little show as she follows Dot’s strides out of the diner. Toni rolls her eyes but doesn’t try and stop her gaze from dipping down to watch her go, putting some space between them so she can see everything as she follows them to her car.

______________

Toni will give the Jesus freaks this, they picked a pretty fucking nice spot to try and fail to find Big Foot. The North Cascades National Park is breathtakingly stunning. Deep forests lined with gorgeous mountains, coated with late snow from the April climate.

It looks like something out of the postcards her mom would send her before she stopped trying.

Toni whistle’s low as she steps out of her car. Dot and Fatin are already out of theirs, pulling out some bags and supplies from their trunk.

“Not bad, ay?” Dot says, lifting one of her backpack straps over her shoulder.

“Big Foot’s got taste.” She slings her duffel over her body.

“Is that all you brought?” Fatin asks, putting on an expensive-looking travel pack, that’s almost as large as herself.

“I won’t be here long. Just going to grab Marty and get out of this cult.”

Dot and Fatin share a look. “Right.”

They start making their way past the entrance gate and up the trail to the campgrounds where most of the Dawn of Eve will be staying. They’re not the only ones on the trail, people are scattered all around them. All talking amongst themselves with excitement, waving to old friends; the vibe feels like the start of summer camp.

“Here we are,” Dot says with a grin and a mocking flourish of her hand. Toni looks past her to see a large clearing where dozens of people have set up camp.

Dot was right about Dawn of Eve funding it because there’s clearly money involved here. Banners have been set up greeting everyone. A large bonfire pit is built in the middle, with rows of benches surrounding it. The Dawn of Eve logo is plastered on every spare part they could legally put it on without damaging the National Park. Even some of these tents look more like buildings than tents.

“You weren’t kidding about the money.”

Fatin slings an arm over her shoulders, surprising Toni with the familiarity. “Looks intimidating, but when night falls and the Christians are asleep, the parties are un-fucking-believable.”

Dot takes out an Altoids container, opening it and showing Toni the dozens of pills that are inside.

A surprised laugh escapes her lips. “No fucking way.”

“Part of the reason I come,” Dot replies, shutting the container and pocketing it again, “I make a killing.” She puts her finger up to her lips as Toni raises an eyebrow, impressed.

As she looks around the clearing, her eyes try and pinpoint any sign of her best friend. Even if Martha, for some reason, cut off all her hair or died it blue, Toni is confident she could still pick out the girl in a crowd anywhere.

As fate would have it, she can’t put that theory to the test as an all-too-familiar voice calls out from behind in disbelief.

“ _Toni_?!”

Whirling around, she meets Martha’s gaze, her brown eyes squinting at Toni like she can’t quite believe she’s here.

“Marty,” Toni breathes out, taking a cautious step forward. Martha winces and Toni stops immediately, her stomach clenching painfully. She definitely shouldn’t have had McDonald's.

“What are you doing here?” Martha asks, her arms pulling her bag towards her body tighter.

“Is everything all right here?” A southern drawl voice from beside Martha and Toni remembers vividly that they have an audience.

She looks to Martha’s right to see a blonde coming up behind her. The girl is clearly well-off, with her fake tan, pearly-white teeth, and expensive hiking gear. Not a hair is out of place in its slicked-back ponytail, looking way too tight to be anything but painful.

Toni rolls her eyes at the obvious effort this girl put in to go fucking hiking.

“We’re good thanks,” she bites back, glancing back to Martha and shifting back into the soft tone she uses only with her. “Marty, maybe we can talk?”

“You shouldn’t have come, Toni,” Martha replies, barely even looking at her. Her expression reminds her too much of how she was the night of the accident and a wave of anger rises up.

“I’m sorry for being fucking worried when your Mom calls me to say you joined a cult.” Her voice is louder than she cares for it to and she grimaces at the annoyed looks she receives from people close by. Fatin and Dot shift uneasily, sharing a look she doesn’t care to read.

Martha’s blonde friend steps forward, putting herself in the middle of Martha and Toni.

“Hey, now, let’s just calm down.” Her tone is so full of patronizing snark, that Toni reverts back to her sixteen-year-old self.

“And who are you?” She replies, taking a step closer so she’s only inches away from the girl.

The blonde’s eyebrows raise and her perfectly painted on smile falters for only a second, before it’s back and stronger than before.

“Why, I’m Shelby Goodkind, a pleasure to meet you. I’m the one who invited Martha on this trip. I assume you’re her childhood friend, Toni?”

She reaches out her hand out and Toni just stares at it in disbelief. It’s stupid, but being referred to as ‘childhood friend’ crushes Toni a little. It’s a painful reminder about how, after everything they’ve been through, one night can lead to the destruction of their entire relationship. How she’s become just a footnote in Martha’s life when the girl is an entire collection in Toni’s.

Martha must read how her face looks because she comes up from behind Shelby and grabs Toni’s arm, pulling her away from Shelby’s still outstretched hand and Dot and Fatin’s confused presence.

She drags Toni until they’re out of hearing range from the three girls. Martha releases Toni immediately and steps back.

“Seriously, Toni, why are you here?”

“You needed me.”

Martha rolls her eyes. “I don’t need you. I’m on a trip with my friend, who you just insulted.”

“I didn’t insult her. Not out loud at least.”

“You called her Dad’s organization a cult!”

Toni waves her arm around to the assortment of Dawn of Eve logos that are hanging around their heads. “This _is_ a cult, Marty. They’re tricking you with their free food and false advertising that it’s just a hiking trip and then before you know it you’re getting baptized in the lake nearby.”

“I’m not converting to Christianity,” Martha hisses back, “I’m on a harmless trip with my friend, who has actually been there for me the last few years. Can you say the same?”

Toni flounders for a moment, clenching her fists tightly. “I’m here, aren’t I? I drove twenty hours to come get you.”

“Well, I don’t want to leave. Tell Mom she has nothing to worry about and then go.”

It would be so easy to walk away again right there. She had done her duty, she had made sure Martha was safe and had checked on her like Mrs. Blackburn insisted. Toni could get in her car and drive to wherever she wanted guilt-free.

She glances back to the blonde, Shelby Goodkind, who still stands several feet away and is pretending not to be shooting worried glances over at the two of them. This is who Martha replaced her with? The complete anthesis of everything Toni stands for? No. Clearly, her friend has lost her way and while Toni had run away once, she doesn’t have it in her heart to run away again.

She faces Martha again, crossing her arms. “I’m staying.”

“What? You can’t!”

“I will, it’s a public park, I can stay if I want,” she says with a familiar stubbornness.

Martha groans in frustration, turning from Toni and striding back to Shelby. She says something to the blonde, who glances back to Toni with a worried expression.

Toni enthusiastically waves back mockingly, causing the blonde to scowl. Good, so she gets under the blonde’s skin. She can use that to save Martha.

Shelby pulls Martha with her, both of them turning their backs on Toni, and only then does she drop her arm and groan. This is not how she wanted her reunion with Marty to go.

“What did I tell you, Dot?” Fatin says, startling Toni, “The Hot Outsider has already spiced things up, causing quite the scene, and pissing off the Cult Leader’s daughter.”

“How will we ever find Big Foot with all this drama?” Dot responds, resting the back of her hand against her forehead theatrically.

Fatin laughs, leaning into her friend, and watches Toni flip them off with glee.

“Fuck off. That went terribly.”

Dot punches her shoulder. “Come on, we’ll help you set up camp near us. You may have alienated Shelby, but there's some other pretty cool people here.”

Toni follows them reluctantly, not knowing how she wound up at a fucking Big Foot search party event, let alone meeting new friends at one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, i dont' know what this plot is either, but weirdly enough there's a PLAN.
> 
> also follow me on twitter if you'd like: @trifowles. I don't know anyone in the fandom yet and all my tweets are about me rewatching the oc, but besides that i'm a hoot. 
> 
> music rec: this fic is basically based on apple pie by lizzy mcalipe


	2. Christian Event Actually Giant Excuse For People to Do Drugs and Have Sex in the Woods

She can’t believe she’s fucking doing this.

Every decision she has ever made filters through her mind as she sits on the uncomfortable wooden bench, listening to some douche-bag strum Hymns on his out-of-tune guitar. Toni watches, arms crossed, as Martha claps along politely from the other side of the bonfire as she sits next to a beaming Shelby (who of course knows every word and is belting along).

Toni side eye’s Dot until the girl meet’s her gaze and laughs at the expression.

She leans in to whisper, “It’s just once a day. They used to have morning prayers too, but too many people complained. Now it’s only optional.”

She rolls her eyes but cracks a smile when Dot starts dancing along with fake sincerity. There’s something about her and Fatin that is able to sneak through the carefully placed walls Toni has built over the years.

Thankfully, the douche with the guitar strums his final note, soaking up the pity applause like he’s John fucking Mayer. A frighteningly put-together blonde man claps enthusiastically as he jogs up to the center of the circle.

“Beautiful, Andrew! Can we give a round of applause to this young man?”

A collection of people half-heartedly clap and Toni has to suppress the laughter that bubbles up. This is such a fucking joke.

“Now, I see a lot of new faces this year,” The man says, his voice echoing through the forest with the natural confidence of someone who’s used to public speaking, “so I want to introduce myself and this wonderful organization. I’m Dave Goodkind, please feel free to call me Dave, we’re all friends here. I started Dawn of Eve fifteen years ago with the purpose of making history. Of being able to prove to the world that miracles exist, that Big Foot exists!”

This sentence is met with much louder applause than Andrew got and Toni glances around in surprise. Maybe not everyone here is involved with the church, but the vast majority do believe in Big Foot.

Dave Goodkind grins, his perfect teeth an echo of his daughters. “That’s right! And I have been humbled to see this organization grow into one that supports many causes and services communities throughout the United States!”

Toni’s eyes slip over to Martha and Shelby, her lip curling at the enthusiastic clapping Shelby is giving her father. Martha seems just as happy, sharing a smile with her friend that has Toni scoffing.

“So for the next two weeks, I look forward to getting to know all those new faces,” Toni swears he points at her, “and saying hi to all the familiar ones I’ve come to love. Now, I’ll pass things off to our Director of Operations: Gretchen Klein!”

Toni zones out after that, choosing instead to glare at Martha and Shelby, glowering even harder every time Shelby meets her gaze.

______________

Toni watches as Fatin zeroes in on Dave Goodkind kissing his daughter’s cheek goodnight, before stepping (yes, _stepping_ , it’s that large) into his tent and zipping it closed.

Not soon after, Shelby and Martha are crawling into their own tents and Fatin grabs Toni’s shoulders enthusiastically.

“ _Finally_ , thank Big Foot the Goodkinds always goes to bed at 9 pm sharp.”

“What’s going on?” Toni asks, causing Fatin to shake her lightly, an act that has Toni scowling and pushing her arms off her.

“What’s going on? It’s your first Big Foot Bananza, _look_.”

She points to a crowd of people, slowly and casually slipping out of the campgrounds and disappearing deeper into the forest. Dot begins following them, pulling out a fifth of cheap vodka from inside one of her cargo short pockets and shaking it with a mischievous grin towards Toni.

Fatin beams. “Gotta love those cargo shorts.”

They make their way through the forest, sometimes following the trail, and other times breaking off to go some hidden way only Dot knew how to navigate. If it wasn’t for other groups going similar routes, Toni would be worried she’s being led to her death.

After fucking forever of walking, Toni begins to make out the scattered noise of music and laughter. The trees break as they approach and Toni finds herself on the edge of a large clearing. She grins as she spots a large fire in the distance and a pack of bodies dancing and drinking around it. It reminds her of parties in high school, where'd you start a bonfire in a random deserted location and everyone would show up to get wasted.

It’s such a different vibe than the bonfire with the Goodkind's. People are loose, happy, carefree. She already spots a couple making out on the grass near her and another duo disappearing into the forest with their hands laced.

She catches a girl sizing her up near a keg and smiles.

“This is much more my speed.”

“I fucking told you, didn’t I?” Fatin says, nudging Dot, “Should we give her a freebie?”

Dot shrugs, pulling out her Altoid container. “You want one? It’s like Molly but without the suicidal thoughts for the next four days.”

Toni laughs, looking down at the container and debating. The only time she’s taken pills was at Mardi Gras her first year in New Orleans and she hasn’t taken any since. It was fun, but it gave her a hangover for an entire week and she felt too much like her Mom to actually enjoy the experience.

“Nah, I’m good.” She finally says. Dot shrugs and hands one over to Fatin who takes it without hesitation.

The girl wiggles her fingers at them, walking backwards towards the party. “Later losers, I’m gonna find me some eye candy.”

Dot shakes her head. “Watch out, she gets incredibly horny on pills. If you’re in her crossfire, she’ll try and jump you.”

Toni smirks. “And that’s a bad thing?”

“Your prerogative. I’m gonna go make some rounds, you good?”

She waves the girl off. “Yeah, man, have fun. I’ll be by the booze.”

Dot nods and walks over to the guitar guy, Andrew, who greets her with a douchey smirk and wad of cash. At least, she’s not actually friends with the guy, or at least Toni hopes.

She finds herself approaching the keg just as a girl is trying to tap it unsuccessfully.

“Here, I got it,” she says, sliding up to her and taking the pump from her hands smoothly. It only takes a second to push down on the valve and lock the pump, before she’s pouring a fresh cup for the girl in front of her.

She huffs out a breath. “Thanks, I never could learn how to do those.”

“No problem. I work in the restaurant industry, so you’re kinda forced to learn.”

“I’m Leah, are you a regular here?”

Toni takes her outstretched hand and shakes it. “Nah, I’m here for a friend actually. You?”

“First time,” she takes a sip of her beer, surveying the crowd around them, “I’m a journalist actually. Heard about this event from a colleague and thought it’d be a good story.”

“Christian Event Actually Giant Excuse For People to Do Drugs and Have Sex in the Woods?” She spreads her hands in the air like she’s planning out the headline.

Leah laughs and nods. “Something like that.”

“Tonnniii!” A screech startles her and she barely has time to prepare before Fatin’s arms are around her shoulders. “The pill kicked in.”

She glances at Fatin’s dopey smile and blown pupils and nods. “I can see that.”

Fatin doesn’t disentangle from Toni as she looks over at Leah, noticing her for the first time. “Woah. He _llo_ , blue eyes.”

Leah’s mouth parts in surprise, her eyes flickering to Toni’s. “Uh, thanks. I like your jacket.”

Fatin winks and finally lets go of Toni, if only to pose with her jacket like she’s in Vogue. “Gracias, it was $1,500.”

Toni splutters. “Are you fucking serious?”

“You can take a closer look and see for yourself,” Fatin replies, flirtation dripping from every word.

“I’m going to… stand over there,” Leah mumbles, pointing her cup in one direction and following it. Toni watches her go, about to stop her and apologize, but Fatin tilts her chin towards her with her finger, and her thought process halts.

“You know, they say that fucking on Molly is the best sex you’ll ever have.”

Toni swallows, her gaze dipping to Fatin’s lips as the girl wets them. “Oh, really?”

“Mmhmm,” she murmurs, already leaning in to gently brush her lips against Toni’s. It’s been months since she’s kissed a girl, too busy with work or avoiding getting too close to people to find anyone willing. She gets the feeling that Fatin isn’t looking for anything serious as well and the thought of losing herself for a night with another person after the shitty day she’s had with Marty is too tempting to ignore.

She leans back from Fatin, gripping her hips to halt any further movement. “Wait. You’re high, is this really…?”

Fatin pats her cheek condescendingly, but coherent. “It’s consensual, babe.”

That’s all the approval she needs as she surges forward and kisses Fatin again, not caring that they’re surrounded by a league of Big Foot fanatics.

____________

_Fuck Dave Goodkind_

Is the first thought she has the next morning as his voice rings out throughout the campgrounds.

“Goooood morning, Dawn of Eve! Rise and Shine for another exciting day!” Of fucking course this guy owns a Megaphone.

She groans, her head thankfully not pounding, but still nowhere near ready to wake up. Her hand flails blindly as she tries to find her phone.

“Ow, bitch that was my face.”

Toni peeks one eye open, zeroing in on Fatins topless frame and scrunched face. She’s holding her left eye, trying to rub the pain away.

“Shit sorry, what time is it?”

“6 am, the Goodkind way,” Fatin mumbles, sitting up to throw on a bra and shirt. Toni watches her do so as memories from last night catch up to her. She remembers kissing pretty heavily around the bonfire, before taking a break to socialize and drink, then ending the night together in Fatin’s tent. Fucking in the tent was off-limits due to the closeness to the Goodkind's, but that didn’t stop them from sneaking off on their walk back to find a quiet spot in the woods. She smirks at the image of Fatin coming undone for the third time against a tree.

“I see that smirk,” Fatin says, “Don’t get too cocky, it was half the Molly.”

“Sure,” Toni replies, stretching her arms to rest behind her head, “Sure it was.”

“Whatever, babes, get dressed before Goodkind comes in here himself and sends us to conversion therapy.”

Toni frowns at the implication but gets dress anyways. She assumed that the Goodkind's being hardcore Christian was a nod towards homophobia, but conversion therapy? That’s a level of evil that just cements her desire to get Marty as far away from these people as possible.

She reaches in her bag, having stored it here once she decided to stay, and pulls on a sports bra, tank top, and basketball shorts.

“Very gay,” Fatin dryly says, “You don’t want to borrow one of Dot’s cargo shorts?”

She flips the girl off, unzipping the tent and crawling out. There are loads of people already up, much to her surprise, how are these people able to party till 2 am and then be up at 6 fully fresh?

Dot’s out of her own tent, tying her hiking boots methodically. She glances up at the sight of Toni and smirks.

“Fun night?” she drawls, watching as Fatin crawls out of the tent after Toni.

“Wish you were there,” Fatin replies with a slow lick of her lips.

Dot is about to respond when a booming voice causes them all to jump.

“Dorothy Campbell!”

Toni follows the sound of the voice and sees Dave Goodkind walking over with outstretched arms, Shelby not far behind. As soon as he’s close enough, he wraps Dot in a big hug, squeezing tightly and ignoring Dot’s awkward grimace.

Shelby doesn’t look at Toni as she smiles politely at Fatin and Dot.

“Hey, Mr. Goodkind,” Dot chokes out, disengaging from the man, “Nice to see you again.”

“So good to see you, Dorothy, thanks for continuing to support our organization.” His eyes flicker to Fatin. “And I see you brought your friend again! Fatin, right? The cello player.”

Toni raises an eyebrow at that piece of information, cataloging it in her mind for a joke about ‘finger play’ later. Fatin meets Mr. Goodkind’s politician smile with one of her own. “Nice to see you as well, Mr. Goodkind, I’m so excited for another year with you all. I think this is the one!”

She ends it with a fingers crossed motion that screams insincerity and either Mr. Goodkind doesn’t notice or chooses not to, because he only grins wider and nods in agreement.

His eyes latch onto hers as his attention aims towards Toni. “And who is this?”

“This is Toni Shalifoe,” Shelby at last speaks, still not meeting Toni’s gaze. “She’s Martha’s childhood friend.”

That phrase, once again, punches her gut and her lips tighten in a glower. She meets Mr. Goodkinds stare with steely determination, not missing how his eyes lower to take in her long basketball shorts and tank top. For only a second, does he let his eyes darken before he’s back staring at her with his faux-beam.

“Well, real nice to meet you, Toni, please don’t be afraid to come up and say howdy. I promise we’re the…Good Kind.”

His pun falls flat, only Shelby giving him a pity chuckle, her cheeks tinting red in mortification. He lets the joke lie there, dead at their feet, before clearing his throat and waving them goodbye. Shelby doesn’t spare a glance back.

“What a fucking freak,” Toni murmurs.

“He’s harmless. I think.” Dot says, shaking off the leftover essence of his presence.

“Famous last words,” Fatin mumbles,” I”m going to go shower at the Ranger Center, y’all in?”

Toni shakes her head. The sight of Shelby reminded her of why she’s here in the first place. If the blonde is busy being her Dad’s shadow, that means that it’s the perfect chance to talk to Martha alone.

“I’m going to go find Marty, I’ll see you guys later.” She doesn’t wait for a reply as she jogs off towards the rows of picnic tables, all sporting tablecloths with the Dawn of Eve logo. Cause why wouldn’t they be that extra.

She spots Martha sitting at the end of a table with four other people. There’s an open spot in front of her and Toni quickly makes her way over to grab it.

Martha’s hand stills as she watches Toni sit down in front of her. She lowers her spoon, scrunching her eyebrows in the adorable way she does when she’s annoyed.

“I told you to leave, Toni, why can’t you ever listen?”

“And I told you, that this place is cookoo and I’m here to save you. I mean did you see that bonfire last night?”

Martha’s eyes flicker around, “Keep your voice down. I’m a guest here, okay?”

Toni sighs, knowing that if she continues to piss Marty off it won’t get her anywhere. “How did you even become friends with the Goodkind's, huh? They’re whack jobs.”

“They’re good people. Just because I’m not Christian, doesn’t mean I can’t respect their religion.”

“And they respect yours? This is obviously an attempt to convert people.”

“Shelby has never pressured me to join her religion. Believe it or not, I’m her friend, and she respects me and my decisions. Unlike you.”

Toni rears back at that, the accusation hitting low. The pain turns ugly within in and she can’t help the way it rises in her throat until she’s spitting out, “If the Goodkind's are so great, how come they run conversion therapy?”

Martha gapes at her. “Are you really going to sink so low, that you’d make up something like that? Grow up, Toni.”

She grabs her tray and stands, moving to sit at another table. Toni’s left by herself as she watches her friend go, at an utter loss on how to fix this fucked up situation. She notices the other people at the table watching her with an uncertain weariness like she’s about to attack them next.

“Fuck off,” she snaps at them and they quickly start a conversation between themselves.

“Someones in a good mood, things didn’t go well with your girlfriend?”

Toni looks up as Leah slides in the spot that Martha vacated.

She scrunches her brows in disgust. “Ew, Marty? No, she’s like a sister.”

Leah cocks her head. “I was talking about the girl from last night. The one you made out with is like your sister? _Ew_.”

“Oh, fuck, no that’s Fatin. Not a girlfriend either, I met her yesterday.”

Leah nods. “Damn, this place really is Burning Man but for Christians.”

She chuckles. “Don’t let the Goodkind's hear you say that.”

“True, they give me big Midsommar vibes.”

Toni barks out a surprised laugh, appreciating Leah’s dry delivery. The girl smiles back, pleased, and takes a bite from her breakfast sandwich. Toni’s stomach rumbles at the sight, realizing that she hasn’t had breakfast yet.

“Where’d you get that?”

Leah points to a buffet table set up near the end of the picnic tables and Toni immediately makes a beeline towards the line. The spread is insane and she wonders if they hired a catering company just to find Big Foot. There’s an assortment of breakfast dishes that she piles on her plate and near the end is a large dish of apple pie. She takes a slice and bites into it, too hungry to wait till she’s back to the table.

The warm dish at once melts on her tongue and she’s not embarrassed to admit that she moans a little. Whoever made this is a God and she needs to track them down to get their recipe before she and Marty leave.

“ _Holy fucking hell_.”

“Language, please.” A familiar southern drawl voices.

She looks to her left to see Shelby fucking Goodkind standing at the buffet, placing some fruit on her plate. The blonde smirks a little at Toni’s puffed up cheeks, still full of pie. It makes Toni feel like she’s five years old again, completely looked down upon.

“Fuck off,” bits of pie pop out of her mouth as she says it and Shelby’s nose scrunches up in disgust.

“Classy,” the girl responds.

“You’re just jealous I can eat delicious pie while you’re stuck with two grapes and a spinach leaf. Maybe if you ate carbs, you wouldn’t be such a puppet to your father.”

Shelby’s mouth opens as the words sink in and her fingers clench around her plate in anger. Toni, for a second, feels like she went too far, but then her gaze is drawn to where Martha is sitting at a table in the back. The seat next to her is empty and Toni knows it's not saved for her, which hurts.

Shelby follows her stare and smiles smugly. “If you excuse me, I’m going to go enjoy my breakfast with my best friend. I’d ask if you could join us, but, I don’t want to make Martha uncomfortable. Sorry.”

She brushes past Toni and strides to Martha’s table. Toni’s heart clenches at the smile Martha gives the blonde, the type of familiarity that used to be shared between them. Toni stuffs the rest of the pie in her mouth, storming back to her seat with Leah.

This is fucking bullshit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really debated on if toni should take the pill or not, but while i thought it would be fun to write, i just can't see toni as a character being into drugs when she's from a history of substance abuse. 
> 
> but toni hooking up with fatin i feel is a right of passage in the wilds fic so i had to throw that in. 
> 
> also i don't know if any of this legal to do in national parks, please just let me live with those plot holes
> 
> @trifowles on twitter if you want to say hi (i have 2 followers what up)


	3. He Ruined Jesus-Rock For Me

“So she’s safe? It’s not a cult?”

Toni sighs, switching her phone to the other ear. “No, Mrs. Blackburn, it’s just a regular old Christian group. I mean, it’s still weird, and they definitely want to convert Marty, but it’s not a cult.”

The woman sighs in relief and Toni smiles at her dramatics. She’s always been a neurotic mom, and Toni will never admit it, but she enjoyed it whenever the woman fretted over her.

“That’s good to hear. Have you left? That’s probably the last place you’d want to be.”

“Uh,” Toni mumbles, “Nah, I thought I’d stay a little bit. Try and hang with Marty.”

Mrs. Blackburn lets out a delighted gasp. “That’s great news! Aw, I’ve been wanting you girls to make amends for so long. This is perfect, just in time for our summer tradition.”

Toni smiles at the words, remembering the Blackburn’s summer tradition of driving to one of many Minnesotan lakes and spending the day on a small pontoon they had rented. As they got older, Mr. And Mrs. Blackburn even let Martha and Toni drink, which they tried not to go overboard with (but usually failed). She had many fond memories of enjoying the sunset on the lake with the Blackburns. The last summer Toni went, the summer going into senior year of high school, she brought Regan and the girl charmed the entire family within minutes. It probably was the best day of her life.

The thought sours her mood and she shifts on her feet slightly. “I should go, Mrs. Blackburn, there’s this whole hiking thing they’re doing today. I don’t want to be late and get lost.”

“Of course, of course. Well, keep in touch, dear. Say hi to Martha for me. Love you!”

“Will do, bye.” She hangs up and pockets her phone, starting to walk back to camp and rejoin Fatin and Dot.

The duo is dressed in hiking gear, talking animatedly. Fatin gestures with her arms, an action that has Dot rolling her eyes. Toni huffs out a laugh at their outfits. Dot, practical as ever, is in a flannel and cargo shorts while Fatin is dressed in - what appears to be - a high-end fitness matching ensemble.

Toni joins them. “Yo.”

“Shalifoe, where’ve you been?” Dot asks.

“Had to make a phone call. Have they started yet?”

Fatin smirks. “Oh, you’ll know when they’ve started.”

Her timing is impeccable as a loud, piercing horn echoes throughout the forest. Toni jumps, her hands flying to cover her ears. Fatin and Dot burst into laughter at the sight of the startled girl.

“Are you guys even trying to find Big Foot? Cause that shit will have had him booking it by now.”

Dot shrugs. “It makes no sense, I know. I have a theory that Mr. Goodkind doesn’t actually want to find Big Foot cause then he’ll lose the entire point of his organization. So he tries to tip the big guy off whenever he can.”

“Yes,” Toni responds dryly, “Because Big Foot exists.”

They approach the Director of Operations, Gretchen Klein, who breaks them off into the East side of the forest. She has broken up the park into segments, with different groups navigating each segment daily. They follow a horde of people as they take the eastern trail towards the mountains. Toni spots Dave Goodkind waving his arms in excitement as he leads a group towards the West side of the forest. She thanks whatever entity is out there that she’s not stuck with him for the day.

Though her luck doesn’t run too deep as Toni spots the back of Martha’s head as it’s tipped back in laughter. Shelby watches her with amusement, her face stretched into a wide smile as well. They look like the best of fucking friends, Toni thinks, an ugly bitterness sitting on her tongue.

“Hey, Toni.”

She turns and spots Leah approaching the trio, her own camping gear as unprepared as Toni’s is. She’s dressed in a gray raincoat that’s pulled over her braided hair, big chunky Dad glasses masking most of her face.

Fatin raises a finger to point at the girl. “Blue eyes!”

“I’m surprised you remembered,” Leah responds, “Whatever you took is good.”

Dot bows as best as she can while hiking up an incline. “Thank you very much.”

Leah laughs and gives a tiny, awkward wave. “I’m Leah. First year here.”

“Dot and Fatin,” Toni points to the two of them respectfully. “They’ve been my tour guides since I got here. Didn’t ask for it, but appreciated none the less.”

“Oh, please, I rocked your world Shalifoe,” Fatin counters and Toni hates Shelby a little bit more for telling them her last name.

“How many years have you been coming to this?” Leah asks, shifting into her inquisitive nature that must come with being a journalist.

“Uh, since I was twelve, I think? My dad was into it and then after he passed… I don’t know, I guess I didn’t see a reason to stop coming,” Dot responds, her gaze focusing on the landscape of mountains in the distance.

Fatin slings an arm around her shoulders, dragging her attention back to her. “And I came to keep this hottie company. Plus to do drugs around a burning fire.”

“As one does,” Leah quips back sincerely and Fatin’s smile widens.

Toni finds herself falling quiet as Leah begins to ask Dot and Fatin more questions about the organization. Her gaze unconsciously slips back towards Martha and she watches as the girl animatedly tells Shelby a story, causing the blonde to double over in laughter. She desperately wants to know what the story was, if it’s something personal, maybe she’s seeing someone? Or she has an annoying co-worker? Toni hates that she can’t answer any of those questions about the person who made up so much of her life.

“You look like you’re about to cry,” Dot whispers.

Toni glances over, noticing that Fatin and Leah have walked a couple of feet ahead of them and Dot had lingered behind to talk to Toni. She brushes her hand against her face, but comes back dry, luckily. Toni would have died if she was silently crying while staring at her ex-best friend, like some soap opera idiot.

“It’s nothing.”

“I’m a real good listener, you know. Plus I know how to keep a secret,” Dot offers.

Toni groans lightly. The thought of opening up to someone about what happened between her and Marty emits a cold fog throughout her body. She wants to talk about her senior year, even feels like she has to at this point, but every time she’s tried guilt’s icy grip reaches into her mouth and grabs her tongue.

“It’s complicated,” Dot reaches out to push her so Toni continues, “Marty and I grew up together, her family pretty much adopted me after one too many foster homes turned into a bust.”

Dot falls silent as she lets Toni unload. “There was something that happened my senior year of high school. I don’t want to get into it, but it was my fucking fault, of course, and I lost my basketball scholarship over it. Fuck, I lost everything over it. Except Marty. She took care of me. She even deferred a semester of college to stick by my side, help me plan for my future.”

She swallows the bile that worms its way up her throat at the thought of what happened next. “I was in a really bad place, you know? I had lost everything and practically everyone. I was angry at myself and at the world and anyone who crossed my path. And Marty… she was just trying to help I know, but I couldn’t help it. It was like every bad feeling inside me just took over and I wasn’t me anymore. The rage does that sometimes.”

Dot waits patiently.

“She had spent all summer saving up for this new MacBook to bring to college. She was so proud of it. And maybe I was scared of her leaving, maybe I was just pissed off that day, I don’t know. But we got into a fight and I took the MacBook and smashed it on the ground.”

Toni looks down. “I think it was the final nail in the coffin for our friendship. After always sticking by me, I couldn’t even give her one thing. I was disgusted with myself. So I packed my things that month and left for New Orleans. Never looked back. I wasn’t going to let myself be a burden on the Blackburns anymore.”

Dot hums as Toni reaches the end of her story, nodding as she assesses it in her mind. “And you’ve never apologized for it?”

Toni frowns. “What do you mean?”

“You just broke her shit and then dipped?”

“I sent a letter and a new MacBook months later when I had saved up enough. But I never heard back.”

Dot nods at this but continues walking. Toni waits for one pitiful moment like Dot just needs some time to digest and think up the perfect response.

“Aren’t you supposed to give me advice?”

The redhead shrugs. “What am I a therapist? I said I’m a good _listener_.”

Toni storms past her, moving to join Leah and Fatin, ignoring the sound of Dot’s cackles behind her.

________

Most of the morning is spent hiking various trails and trying to avoid looking intensely at Martha and Shelby (an act she fails every five or so minutes). Growing up in Minnesota, she would hike often as a kid with her Mom. Apparently, it was a big hobby that rehabilitation centers would push on their patrons. It was an endless cycle, her Mom would get it out all psyched about being clean. They would take camping trips together, long rides in the car, parking at night to see the constellations in the sky. Her Mom would point out the different mythology and Toni would lay on the bed of the trunk and watch in wonder, amazed about how much her Mom knew.

Then she would ultimately start using again and it was back to ground zero for Toni.

Despite the bad association, Toni can’t find it in herself to hate hiking. She enjoys the physical exertion, the beautiful scenery, that calmness you find when you’re alone in nature. Sure, being stuck in a Big Foot search party isn’t the ideal situation she’d like to be in, but she’s never been to Northern Washington and it’s stunning.

At about three hours in, where (surprise) they don’t find Big Foot, the search party calls for a lunch break and begins handing out small paper bags. Toni takes her lunch bag greedily, ripping it open to try and soothe her rumbling stomach.

“Easy, tiger,” Fatin says, sitting down next to her on a rock and biting into her own stomach.

“Holy fuck,” Toni murmurs as she bites into the apple, brie, and blackberry jam grilled cheese. Who the fuck packs this for a hiking trip?

“I know, right? You see why we all put up with the Goodkind’s now,” Dot replies with a laugh, her own cheeks puffed up with her sandwich.

Leah shakes her head. “The money that goes into this trip, it has to be maybe a third of their annual revenue.” She stares down at her sandwich and Toni watches her hand creep up to begin picking at her eyebrow as she loses herself in thought.

“Right,” Toni says, “I’ll be back.”

The group waves her off as she finishes off her sandwich and goes to try and find a quiet spot for her to piss away from everyone’s eyes. Toni follows a trail deeper into the forest, ducking around a fallen branch that she almost runs straight into.

She thinks this is far enough and she quickly does her business and pulls her pants up, hoping to get back to the group fast before they leave without her and she’s screwed out here. As she walks back, she catches a flash of gold in her peripheral and her pace slows.

Martha and Shelby are standing a couple of feet away in front of a cherry bush. They’re picking the berries straight off its branches and popping them in their mouth as they chat. Shelby, the colonizer, pulls out a small pouch and begins collecting them.

Toni takes a step forward, intent on telling Shelby off for an action that she herself routinely does, but is interrupted by someone approaching the two girls. Toni watches as that guitar guy from the night before, Andrew, walks towards Shelby and Martha.

She steps a little closer, careful not to make her presence known, but close enough she can still eavesdrop.

“Shelby, I’ve been trying to talk to you all day,” he starts, drawing Shelby’s attention from Martha. She looks at the boy with a grimace, before schooling it in a polite smile.

“Hey, I’m actually showing my friend Martha around, she’s my guest this year. I wouldn’t want to be rude, so maybe we can talk later?”

Andrew takes a step closer to Martha, peering down at her with a stilted smile. “I’m sure your friend wouldn’t mind if we had a moment alone, right?”

Martha’s gaze flickers between Shelby and Andrew with uncertainty. Shelby stares back with wide eyes, clearly telling her not to leave. Martha gulps and stands her ground.

“Shelby actually promised me she was going to show me, uh, a specific flower that grows here. So… sorry.”

Andrew furrows his brow, apparently not understanding someone saying no to him. He tilts his head and coldly replies, “It’ll just take a minute and then you can have her back, okay?”

Martha doesn’t know how to reply, so Toni steps forward, falling so easily into the old routine of sticking up for Marty.

“She said they were busy dude, just back off.”

The three of them look at her in surprise as she calmly walks up to Andrew with her hands in her pocket. Martha’s frown deepens at her entrance, worry etched into her brow.

“We’re having a private conversation,” Andrew says, crossing his arms in what he thinks may be an intimidating pose.

Toni mirrors him. “What you’re doing is making these people uncomfortable. I think you should back off and go back to playing crappy ass guitar.”

Andrew's face drops, before setting into one of anger. He takes a step towards Toni, his arms dropping to his side and clenching. “Get out of my face, dyke.”

She hears Martha gasp and she looks at her reflexively to see her gripping Shelby’s arm in preparation. They’ve been in this situation a dozen times in high school. Someone would call her a dyke, or worse, and she’d retaliate by entering a rage blackout and knocking them into the ground. It was that defensiveness, that innate anger that lived within her, that got her in trouble senior year and ruined her entire life.

It wasn’t easy, it took years, but she’s not that aggressive, hot-headed teen anymore. She’s twenty-four, with a steady career, and she’s not going to let some Ed Sheeran knock-off piss her off.

Toni clenches her jaw, hard, before exhaling and releasing all the tension that had built in her body. “Real Christian of you, dude, whatever.”

She makes eye contact with Martha, acknowledging her gaping mouth with a smug raised eyebrow, before turning on her heels and making her way back up to where everyone else is still eating lunch.

Toni is proud of herself, she showed Martha that she’s changed from before, that she has grown up. She’s riding pretty high on this pride until she feels something catch on her foot and she’s falling to the ground with a yelp.

Her palms flare up as she catches her fall on a rock, the hard surface scraping Toni’s hands. “Fuck,” she hisses, as she pushes herself back to her feet and looks at the steady stream that’s pouring from her right hand.

“ _Toni_!” A hot grip catches her wrist and Martha inspects the wound carefully. She turns to Shelby, who’s only a few feet behind her. “Do you have a first aid kit?”

“It’s in my bag, I’ll grab it.” She bounds up, brushing past a blustering Andrew who follows her with promises that he ‘didn’t mean to do that’.

Toni glares at their retreating figures. “What a dick.”

The girl snorts. “His guitar playing was pretty awful.”

She cheekily grins back, “He ruined Jesus-rock for me.”

Martha’s eyes crinkle as she giggles and Toni’s heart melts. This was her best friend, no matter how much time has passed, and Toni didn’t let herself realize how much she missed her until this moment.

Her voice small, she whispers, “I’m so sorry, Marty.”

Martha’s movements still and her grip on Toni’s wrist tightens. She doesn’t meet Toni’s eyes for a moment but when she finally does there’s a wetness glazed over them.

“For what?”

Toni breathes out, “ _Everything_. For the crash, for Regan, for making you defer a semester, for the MacBook. Did you get my new one? Did you use it?”

Martha opens her mouth, her expression darkening, but is interrupted by Shelby’s panting as she runs back to the two of them gripping a first aid kit.

“Here, there’s some gauze and bandages in there.”

Toni huffs, annoyed at being barged in on when Marty and her were finally getting somewhere. She doesn’t say another word as Marty silently takes her hand again and cleans it, only hissing a little in pain, and carefully wraps it in gauze.

Shelby waits a few feet away, her eyes cutting between the two friends, trying to feel the situation out. Probably worried if Toni steals Martha away, she’d be down on her converting-quota for the year, Toni thinks bitterly.

Martha tightens the gauze and steps away, wiping her hands on her pants. She motions for Shelby to follow her as she begins walking back to the trail.

“Wait! Marty…” Toni calls out, confused. Weren’t they in the middle of something? Toni had said sorry, she had apologized for everything. Wasn’t that what she wanted?

Martha whirls around. “What?”

Toni flails helplessly. “I apologized… can’t we…?”

Martha shakes her head, her anger giving away to exhaustion. “It was never about Regan or the laptop, Toni, and if you can’t see that then… we have nothing else to talk about.”

She begins walking away from Toni again and this time Toni lets her. She watches as Martha disappears into the trees, only Shelby glances back to see Toni’s distraught expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i should probably clarify that it's not actually a cult in the fic. it's cult-Y, but no one pays money to be there or is trapped. definitely a fishy organization tho, but hey, most religious ones are!
> 
> @trifowles on twitter if you want to say hi! thank you to the really really really really nice people who have done so already. 
> 
> music rec: hope is a heartache by LEON


	4. Kinda my thing, Goodkind!

She spends the rest of the day in a sluggish funk. Toni had thought she did what Martha wanted, she apologized, so why wasn’t that enough? Was their relationship too damaged that any hopes of repairing it were pointless?

The hours tick by slowly as she continues hiking with Leah, Fatin, and Dot, and the search party ends normally despite her incident with Andrew. They had asked what happened to her hand but she brushed it off with a poor excuse, her gaze fixed on Martha’s back. From the worried looks on their faces, the three of them connected the dots.

Once the Eastern group got back to camp, there was enough time for them to chill before dinner. Toni took it for a moment of reprieve at the Rangers Center to take a much-needed shower and get her thoughts in order. She was so close to having Marty back in her life again and even though she was dismissed for the umpteenth time, she can't leave unless knowing there was absolutely no hope.

After her shower, Toni changes into a fresh set of clothes, some casual jeans and a long-sleeved white shirt, and exits the communal bathroom.

She feels someone start to walk beside her and she sighs, hoping if she ignores whoever it is then she won’t have to talk to anyone.

“I wanted to thank you for earlier.”

Toni pauses in her steps, her eyes falling closed in disbelief. Of course, Shelby _fucking_ Goodkind would be trying to talk to her right now. It’s as if the universe is severely testing her patience today, egging her to lose her cool.

She takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly like she read about on the internet. “I don’t need your thanks.”

She looks over to see Shelby standing near her, twisting a ring on her thumb restlessly. It looks like the blonde would rather be anywhere else than standing next to Toni and she understands the feeling. “Still, you didn’t have to get involved and I appreciate it. Andrew… he’s not exactly the most emotionally intelligent person? I was dreading seeing him on this trip.”

Toni watches as Shelby bites her lip in concentration, lost in thought for a moment, before breaking out of her daze to shoot Toni a smile. It’s not as genuine as the one she’s seen with Martha, but it’s slightly warmer than usual.

“He’s a dick,” Toni states, “He your boyfriend or something?”

Shelby’s nose crinkles. “No. Ex-Fiancee. I broke it off a year ago, but I guess he still hasn’t taken the hint.”

“You were _engaged_ to that guy?”

Her face must be properly disgusted, because a small laugh escapes the blonde, surprising them both, “It was a long time ago. A different life.”

Toni nods in understanding, before pausing. Why the hell are they being friendly? If this is just the blonde pitying her for being rejected again by Martha, she’s not going to have it.

“Right,” Toni says, clearing her throat. “Well, I’m going to go, enjoy…I don’t know, baptizing a deer or whatever you do.”

Toni can practically see Shelby build the walls back up around her as she scoffs, shaking her head. “Don’t know why you have to be rude, when I was being perfectly friendly.”

Toni spreads her arms open, walking up the hill back to camp. “Kinda my thing, Goodkind!”

___________

She spends all of dinner sulking, diving into that night's meal of a bacon-wrapped pesto pork tenderloin (which, really, what is this camping trip?) with only half as much enthusiasm as she normally does. Toni feels the concerned expressions Fatin and Dot are giving each other, and while she appreciates the fact they care this much after only two days spent together, she’d rather just be left alone. The only thing that lifts her spirits up, just a little, is that the same apple pie she had yesterday is out today as well. It’s just as delicious as she remembers and she has two slices before her stomach begins to revolt at the richness.

After dinner, she lays down in Fatin’s tent, debating on how to ask to crash there again. Before she can take a quick power nap, not completely over waking up at 6 am, the tent unzips and Fatin crawls in, sitting down beside Toni and looking down at her with a raised eyebrow.

“Apparently since we bumped uglies once, it means I have to be the one to ask why you’ve been pouting all day.”

“I don’t pout,” Toni replies while pouting.

Fatin gives her an unimpressed look, one that has Toni sighing and sitting up so she’s facing Fatin.

“I just miss her, okay? She’s practically my sister and it fucking sucks she’s not in my life anymore. And I’ve tried to apologize to her, but she completely ignored it. It’s like she doesn’t even care anymore, so what am I supposed to do?”

Fatin takes her in, before leaning forward and asking, “Are you an Aries?”

Toni begins crawling towards the entrance of the tent, and almost makes it before Fatin is grabbing her by the waist and pulling her back.

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry, I’m actually here to help, as unbelievable as that sounds.”

Toni stares. “Why do you even care? No offense, but it’s been like a day since I’ve met you and the orgasms can’t have been that good.”

“Dottie’s got your back which automatically puts you under my protection as well. Plus, you’re not that bad, Shalifoe.” She ends it with a soft shove that has Toni stuffing away her annoyance towards her.

Fatin claps her hands together. “Okay, so from the start, tell me what happened.”

And Toni does. She gives a brief summary of why Martha is mad at her, glossing over the details of what happened her senior year, and how she had apologized to Martha today and the girl still didn’t forgive her.

At the end of her rant, breathing heavier from the venting, Fatin just rubs her chin in thought for a moment before saying, “Well, maybe she wasn’t actually mad about the laptop. Maybe she’s pissed at you because you left.”

Toni stills. “What?”

“This girl was your family, right? That means that you were hers as well. She probably didn’t appreciate you just ghosting her and leaving town for, how many years?”

Toni sits back, mulling this over. “I tried to contact her, but she never responded to my texts or letters, plus I’d always show up for the holidays - but she’d give me the cold shoulder.”

“Yeah, but sounds like to me you never properly explained anything to her, you just broke her shit and left.”

Toni frowns, remembering that Dot had said something similar. Was that what she had done? In her mind, she was doing this noble thing, she was saving the Blackburns from having to be responsible for her repeated screw-ups. But did Marty see it as an abandonment?

Fatin winks at her expression. “I know, I’m that good.”

Toni begins exiting the tent, ignoring Fatin’s shout of ’you’re welcome!’, her mind too busy whirling through the past to focus.

_Toni can see that Andromeda is visible tonight, she turns her head automatically to point it out to Regan but remembers that the girl isn’t there. They just had one of their many breakups, but Toni fears this time it’s going to stick. She got into another stupid fight with another homophobic asshole. No matter how many times she tries to calm down, she just can’t. The world wants her to be weak, so it’s her job to be twice as strong. Not that it’s doing her any favors anyway._

_The bed of the truck dips as she feels someone climbing up to lay next to her. She doesn’t have to look to know it’s Martha, she can sense her calm presence almost immediately._

_“I thought I’d find you here,” Martha murmurs, positioning herself on the blankets._

_“Andromeda is out tonight.”_

_Martha squints up at the sky. “Oh yeah, that’s cool.”_

_She looks back down at Toni with a worried expression, reading into her tone something Toni can’t decipher. “Are you okay?”_

_Toni deflates, taking another swig of her shitty beer she begged some random to get for her. “No. But it’s whatever. People leave right? They always fucking leave. And Regan wasn’t going to be any different.”_

_Martha pulls Toni’s hand so she’s facing her. “I’m never going to leave.”_

_Toni smiles and dips her head forward so it’s laying on Marty’s shoulder. “You’re the exception.”_

_Martha pushes her off so she’s looking at her dead-on, her gaze serious. “Well, you can’t leave either, okay? Promise you’re never going to run away again.”_

_A grin stretches over Toni’s lips. “I promise.”_

She’s an idiot.

Toni frantically searches the campgrounds, trying to spot any sign of Martha. The sun is starting to set, coating the trees with a warm, orange haze. The sight pushes her to search faster, hoping to find Marty before it’s dark and the bonfire starts.

She finally spots her with Shelby near the fire pit, helping the blonde with a box of brochures.

“Marty!” Toni shouts, running over to the girl.

Martha tenses at her voice and Shelby cautiously peers over at Toni as well, a frown forming.

Toni stops in front of Martha, panting a little as her hands fidget nervously in front of her.

“Can we talk? Please?”

Martha groans. “Haven’t we talked enough? Can’t you just leave me alone?”

Her tone get’s even more desperate, voice cracking, “Please, Marty, this will be the last time. If you never want to see me again after this, I’ll pack my things tonight and get out of here. I promise.”

Martha turns at this, scrutinizing Toni’s face. Thankfully, her sincerity must win out because Martha huffs and places the box on the ground. She plops down on the bench, leaving space for Toni, who views it as an invitation to sit down next to her.

Shelby clears her throat awkwardly, picking up the box of brochures and walking a couple of feet away. An obvious illusion at giving them privacy, but Toni can totally see her lingering to listen.

“Well?” Martha quips, drawing Toni’s attention back to her.

“Sorry. I just… I’m probably going to ramble, so be patient with me.” She takes a breath, trying to calm her nerves, “I realized today that I never explained why I left and I owe you that because if the roles were reversed, I’d have been livid with you leaving me.”

Martha’s eyes widen, meeting hers briefly before her expression closes off and she looks back down at her lap.

Toni continues. “I didn’t leave because I wanted to leave you behind. You and your family mean so much to me, you have to know that. It was because I loved you that I felt like I was holding you back. I had so much anger within me, that I didn’t know how to control. It was like Regan said, Marty, I was birch bark. One match and I’d explode.”

Martha tries to subtly wipe away a lone tear that has spilled and Toni reaches out to grab her other hand. “After Regan, I couldn’t forgive myself, and the fact that you forgave me, it killed me because I didn’t deserve it. I still don’t deserve it. I fucking hated myself and I knew that if I stayed I’d just drag you all down with me. I had to start fresh. I _had_ to leave.”

Her voice shakes as she presses on, “I’m sorry I didn’t stick around to explain it to you. I was so caught up in my own self-loathing, that I thought I’d be doing you a favor by giving you space. But that was selfish and misguided. I should have trusted you enough to know that you’re a hundred times smarter than me in all areas and you’d have understood.”

Martha laughs a little at the last part, bobbing her head in agreement, which Toni chuckles at. “I’m _so_ sorry. I really and truly am, and I know we can’t immediately go back to the way we were. But I’d really like to try,” her voice gets insecure, afraid Martha will reject her again, “If you want to that is…”

Toni squeezes Martha’s hand, in a last desperate move to show how much she wants this. Martha considers her, her eyes glassy and wet tear streaks running down her cheeks. She bites her lip.

“You promised you would never leave and then you did. You had _promised_.”

Toni swallows. “I know.”

The girl deflates and squeezes her hand back. “You’ve always been such an idiot. You thought it was about the MacBook this entire time?”

A relieved giggle escapes her lips and she doesn’t have it in herself to care to be embarrassed at the noise. “Yeah, I’m a little dumb when it comes to emotions.”

Martha laughs as well, for the first time giving her a genuine smile, and Toni’s heart fills up with so much love and gratitude it overwhelms her. “This doesn’t mean we’re 100% okay, you know that right? But I’m willing to try if you are.”

“I want to try. I’m never leaving again.” She even crosses her heart dramatically to prove it, which Martha shoves her for.

“Good,” Martha says, wiping away the final of her tears. She looks behind her and Toni follows her gaze to a still lurking Shelby, who has jerked in surprise at the two stares. She quickly tries to busy herself with the brochures, acting like she hadn’t been watching the entire time. Martha smirks. “Shelby, come meet my other best friend.”

 _Other_ best friend?

The blonde puts down the brochures and gingerly makes her way over, to Toni’s annoyance. Shelby sits down on the other side of Martha with a weary quirk of her lips, looking a little guilty at being caught.

“Shelby, meet my other best friend Toni,” Martha turns to Toni, her face screaming ‘be nice, you’re on thin ice’, “Toni, meet my best friend, Shelby.”

“Why am I the other best friend? I was around first!”

Martha glares, but for the first time since this trip has started it lacks its usual coldness, instead, it’s filled with amusement. “Because Shelby didn’t ghost me for five years. Now be nice.”

Toni grits her teeth, looking back to meet Shelby’s eyes who are watching her with trepidation. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Shelby responds.

They both look to Martha for further guidance who is observing the interaction with barely contained glee. “We’re going to be the best of friends, I can tell.”

Fat fucking chance, Toni thinks, but paints on a smile for Martha. If putting up with Shelby is what she needs to do to be fully back in her best friend's life, she’ll do it. But she won’t do it sincerely.

“I should go,” Toni says, standing up from the bench. “I need to ask Fatin if I can crash in her tent again tonight.”

“How’d you meet someone already? You’ve been here like two days,” Martha responds.

Toni shrugs. “I wouldn’t say Fatin is _someone_ , but I guess it’s just my natural charms.” She peeks a glance at Shelby to gauge her reaction and sees her uncomfortably shifting her eyes around camp, clocking in if anyone is close enough to hear the conversation. Fucking homophobe.

“By the way,” Toni says, speaking to Shelby directly, “If I invite you guys to something, will you narc on us to your Dad?”

Shelby seems startled that Toni is talking straight to her. She straightens up. “No?”

“Are you sure,” Toni replies patronizingly, “Cause if you ruin things, I’m pretty sure everyone will sacrifice me to Big Foot himself.”

Shelby glares back, “If you’re talking about the parties that people throw every night, I’m not a sheltered idiot, I know about them.”

She lifts an eyebrow. “You do?”

“Just because Daddy sleeps with noise-canceling headphones, doesn’t mean the entire Goodkind squad does. Plus, I’ve been to a couple. Once or twice.”

“Well, then so, you and Martha would have no problem coming tonight?”

Martha’s eyes bounce back and forth between them like it’s a tennis match. At the mention of a party, she perks up, looking hopefully at Shelby for a confirmation.

Shelby stands as well, crossing her arms smugly and facing off Toni. “We’ll see you there.”

“Perfect.” She gives Shelby a mocking salute and waves to Martha goodbye, feeling lighter than she has in a while when Martha waves back.

Most of the camp is already making their way to the fire pit for the nightly bonfire, but Toni finds Fatin inside her tent, fixing up her makeup. The sun has completely set by now so she’s using only an industrial flashlight to light her way.

“Impressive,” Toni snarks, laying on her side to watch.

“What do you want, Shalifoe? Round two?” Fatin drawls, looking at her from the corner of her eye.

“I wanted to say thanks, first, for your tip on Marty. We’re not completely healed, but I think we’re getting there.”

Fatin stops mid-motion and looks at her in surprise. “Really? That’s great, congrats, girl. Look at you being all emotionally intelligent.”

Toni fights the urge to flip her off, knowing the request that is coming next. “So since I’m staying… I was kinda hoping I can crash here some more? I didn’t really bring my own tent…”

“Ooo, I would, but I’m hoping to get with Blue Eyes tonight, and if you’re staying here then she might get the wrong idea that we’re in love or something,” She narrows her eyes at Toni, “You’re not in love with me, right?”

Toni chooses to flip her off at that. “Fuck off. I’ll ask Dot then.”

She crawls back out of the tent and is half-way through zipping it up when she pokes her head back in.

“By the way, I invited Martha and Shelby to tonights Big Foot Bananza,” she quickly lets out before zipping up the tent.

Through the thin fabric, she hears a pause and then, “You _what_!?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @trifowles on twittah
> 
> also no updates this weekend! I'm a 9-5 bitch and I'm hoping to actually get to do stuff. but i'll see you monday
> 
> also ALSO: i hope you don't think martha/toni made up too fast. there's a lot i have planned to happen in this fic and while martha and toni's fight is a big plot device, it's not the bulk of the story. but also martha is a forgiving person i think so it's not too unrealistic.


	5. Okay Girl, Don’t Get All Sexy On Me

It’s funny how life works, Toni thinks, only three hours ago she was in the worst mood and now she feels lighter than she has in years. The bonfire that night passes quickly, Mr. Goodkind quickly promotes the brochure Marth and Shelby left on everyone’s seats, talking passionately to his disinterested audience. Toni decides to give Martha some space, not wanting to immediately latch on to her so soon after their talk and sits with Fatin, Dot, and Leah on the other side of the fire. She does, however, mimic Mr. Goodkind to Martha, who covers her smile with her hand and a guilty glance to a glaring Shelby.

After the bonfire, Toni drags her three new-friends over to meet Martha. She’s with Shelby still, unfortunately, but Toni thinks she can get away with subtly ignoring the blonde’s presence.

Toni approaches her friend and throws over an arm around her shoulder. “Guys, this is my girl, Marty. Marty - meet the three randos who adopted me this week.” She points at them all as she drawls, “Dot, Fatin, and Leah.”

“I’m glad you guys made up,” Leah says, “It was getting awkward watching her stare forlornly at your back.”

Marty giggles as Toni’s mouth drops open at the dry bluntness Leah casually throws. “It’s nice meeting you guys. Thanks for taking care of Toni, it’s definitely an annoying task, I know.”

“Hey!” The group laughs and Toni notices Shelby shuffling awkwardly in the background. She rolls her eyes, causing Martha to notice and turn to pull Shelby forward.

“And I bet you already know Shelby?” Martha says, bringing the girl into the conversation.

“Yeah, hey, dude. Heard you’re coming tonight? It’s been a while,” Dot says.

Shelby smiles, immediately slipping into the fake-persona that Toni has seen around her Dad’s friends. “I stopped going cause the lack o’ sleep would just _kill_ me the next morning, but I wouldn’t be a proper host to Martha if I didn’t take her to at least one.”

Fatin points a finger accusingly. “Listen up, if you even think about ratting us out to your Dad, I will personally hire a witch to curse you and all your generations to come.”

Shelby scoffs, her public-face dropping for a moment as she crosses her arms and responds, “No offense, but I was at these parties long before you even knew they existed.”

Martha barks out a laugh as the rest fall silent, surprised. Fatin suddenly grins. “Damn, okay girl, don’t get all sexy on me.”

“It’s true, though,” Dot adds, “Back in high school, you were at these things nightly. I remember Senior Year seeing you do an actual keg stand. I lost three years of my life to that shock.”

Shelby smirks, raising a shoulder coyly as Martha turns to her with a shocked smile. “ _Shelby_! You did a keg stand?”

“Once and I’ll never do it again,” she responds, grinning, she looks back at Dot. “I loved how your Dad would always sing Take Me Home at some point in the night, without fail.”

The redhead turns nostalgic as she softly smiles. “Yeah, you could always count on him for karaoke.” The two fall silent as they get lost in the memory.

Leah clears her throat. “Well, I’d gladly pay good money for a repeat of the keg stand tonight.”

Shelby and Dot break out of their thoughts to look at her, remembering they’re with other people. Shelby flushes, “I think that ship has sailed for me. I’m kinda a lightweight.”

“What, your all-white sorority didn’t prepare you in college?” Toni snarks.

Martha sends her a warning glare that has her toning it down while Shelby bites back. “I’ll have you know, I actually turned down multiple offers to join a sorority.”

“That’s not impressive,” Toni can’t help but quip.

“Okay, we’re going to go to dinner,” Martha interrupts, pulling Shelby with her as she exits the group, “We’ll see you tonight?”

They all wave at the two retreating girls and she sees Fatin, Dot, and Leah exchange raised eyebrows as Toni turns back to them.

Toni frowns, confused. “What?”

Fatin just shakes her head.

_________

The party that night is just as crowded and hectic as yesterday's. Toni looks around, laughing at the debauchery already taking place just seconds after Dave Goodkind’s head has touched the pillow. In the distance, a figure leans over and begins puking their guts out while their friend pulls their hair back in support.

Martha walks next to Toni as they enter the clearing, gesturing in excitement at Shelby, pointing out the huge bonfire that’s built in the middle. She watches people collectively pause as the crowd notices Shelby, whispering amongst themselves. Finally, a brave soul breaks away, coming over to the three girls.

“Shelby Goodkind! Do my eyes deceive me?” the older man shouts, wiping his eyes theatrically like he’s in a dream.

"Mr. Faber! I know, it's been forever, but my friend Martha is new this year and I had to show her a crucial part of the trip," she smiles down at Martha all the while completely refusing to introduce Toni as well, to her annoyance.

The man pushes up his glasses. "I've seen you both around, welcome to America's Best Kept Secret Party," he supplies with a wink, before looking back at Shelby, "It's really is great to see you at one of these things again. We've all missed you."

Shelby acts like she's the fucking Princess of Big Foot as she replies, "Aw, thanks Mr. Faber, I'm glad to see you all enjoying yourselves. I know the all-day search party brings out a lot."

He nods. "I'm just sorry Becca couldn't be here as well. I think of her often."

At that, Shelby's face drops and she shuts inward immediately. Whatever respectful act she was playing fades away as her throat bobs painfully. "Yeah, me too," she murmurs. Her eyes cut towards Toni before flickering to Martha, plastering her smile back on, "Well, I should go say hi to the others. I'll see you later, Mr. Faber."

He waves them off, burying himself back into his cup of beer, as Shelby walks quickly towards where Fatin and Dot are conversing.

Her curiosity peaked, Toni glances towards Martha hoping her expression will tip her off to what the hell was that about, but the girl's gaze is squarely locked in on Shelby in concern. The blonde stops in front of Dot and Fatin, drawing their attention.

Fatin smirks. "She actually showed up, color me impressed."

"Is that vodka?" Is Shelby's only response, reaching out to pluck the red solo cup from Fatin's fingers and downing it in one go.

Dot whistles lowly. "So it's going to be one of _those_ nights."

Toni looks to Martha, whose gaze is still fixed on Shelby with worry. "I'm going to go get a drink, you want one?"

Martha just nods, shooting her a thankful smile. Toni walks away from the group, making her way over to where she spots Leah standing near the keg again with two other girls.

"Leah!" the girl turns and shoots a friendly smile towards Toni, "I'm sensing a pattern, this is the second time I've found you right next to the booze. Should I be worried?"

A voice speaks up, "Technically, two times is a coincidence, not a pattern. If it happens a third time, then you can potentially call it one."

Toni stills, taking in the girl next to Leah who's watching Toni back with a polite if awkward smile that turns a bit uncertain as the pause continues.

She quickly recovers, masking her confusion with a polite nod. "True. I guess."

The third girl pipes up, saving Toni from further embarrassment. "I'm Rachel, this is my sister Nora. She's an anthropology student, she's writing her grad paper on Big Foot." Her tone states she's clearly bored about the topic and the fact she's here at all.

Nora frowns, shooting her sister an annoyed look. "Actually, I'm writing it on how Conspiracy Theory communities and Religious communities are usually intertwined and the underlying sociological and psychological connections of both. Plus, I could have introduced myself."

Rachel rolls her eyes, shooting Toni an exasperated look. "But then we'd all have to endure hearing your thesis statement again."

"Wait," Leah chimes in, "I think that's super fascinating, Nora. Could I look at your research? I'm writing an article on Dawn of Eve for The Atlantic and I think your findings could contribute a lot."

The two break off as they get lost in conversation and Toni and Rachel size each other up, debating if the other was worth talking to instead.

"Big Foot, huh?" Toni supplies, lamely.

Rachel seems annoyed at that start but gamely continues with the conversation topic. "A load of fucking horsecock, but I had to make sure Nora wouldn't get swept up in this shit."

"Same. My sister's over there," Toni points behind her to where Martha is talking with Dot, Fatin, and Shelby. "She's the small one who looks like a Kindergarten teacher."

Rachel laughs at that, sipping her beer casually. "Glad you're not one of the crazies. I swear if I had to hear that Goodkind guy go on about creationism one more time."

"Right? Like who wants to tell him that even if Jesus existed, he definitely wasn't the white boy he's imagining."

Rachel dips her beer in agreement, reminding Toni she's late delivering the booze back to Martha. Toni begins filling up two cups. "I should get these back to her, but come say hi tomorrow, we can form a "Sister Protection Squad." She balances the two cups in one hand, reaching out to offer a fist bump with the other.

Rachel bumps her fist and nods, sighing heavily before turning to join the conversation with Leah and Nora, both still enthralled with their discussion on Dawn and Eve.

Toni walks back to the group, passing by Fatin who's walking over to Leah with a mischievous and determined look.

"Good luck," Toni cheers as they pass.

"Babe, like I need it," Fatin responds, winking briefly and giving a shimmy to Toni's amusement.

Once she's back next to Martha, she passes over the beer and is about to lift her own cup to her lips when it's intercepted by a swift grip that plucks it right out of her grasp.

Shelby smirks as she tilts the cup towards her in acknowledgment, before taking a sip. "Thanks for the beer," she mockingly says after.

" _Wasn't for you_ ," Toni grits out.

Martha offers hers like the angel she is, "Here, take mine, Toni."

She waves the girl off. "S'fine, I'll grab another later."

Dot speaks up, hoping to change the atmosphere to a brighter tone. "Martha was just telling us how she met Shelby."

Toni waits, curious about this story herself. How did her sweet, naive Martha get swept up by the tidal wave that is the Goodkind's?

"We went to the same college in Seattle, Shelby was in my group for a History course project and we've been friends ever since!" Martha replies happily, bumping her cup with Shelby's.

The blonde grins. "That entire group was absolutely worthless, 'cept Martha."

"Including you?"

Martha shoots Toni another look and she can tell she's one bad comment away from pissing Marty off past the point of no return.

She's about to give a half-hearted apology but Shelby's attention is diverted by something over Toni's shoulder. She turns to see a determined, and wobbly, Andrew making his way over.

"Shoot," Shelby murmurs, "I'll be right back." She turns on her heel and disappears in the groups of bodies surrounding the bonfire. Andrew brushes past them as he follows, though by the furrow in his brows, he's already lost her in the crowd.

Once Shelby's gone, Martha whirls on Toni with an angry expression. Dot notices the tension rise and dips, muttering about making her rounds with her usual clientele.

It's just Martha and Toni now and the brunette fidgets her fingers in guilt, knowing she's pushing Martha back to the point where they'll stop speaking again.

"What is wrong with you? I thought you've matured past all this!" Martha yells, drawing a couple of looks from the people mingling nearby.

"I know," Toni groans, "I'm sorry, she just brings out this stupid high school side of me. How are you friends with someone who's practically the poster child of oppression? Please don't tell me you've become a Republican in Seattle."

The girl rolls her eyes. "Shelby is liberal, you idiot. She's not half as intense as her Dad, she just puts on an act for him so they can be civil."

"Do you actually believe that? She's not exactly objecting to handing out brochures, ones _you helped with_!"

Martha sighs, fumbling with her cup in her hands. "Look, Shelby's family life is her business and it's not my right to talk to you about it. But, can you just trust me when I say she's a good person?"

Toni crosses her arms, staring deep into the fire.

"Toni." At her tone, she looks back to her friend, face softening at the desperate plea in her eyes. "Can you please be nice to Shelby? For me?"

And since she knows that she's already on thin ice with her best friend, that if she keeps antagonizing Shelby she might lose her forever. So despite the fact that if given the chance, she'd totally push the blonde off one of these Washington cliffs, she nods. Martha's face lights up in a relieved grin.

"Okay, good. You don't have to, like, fall in love with her, but maybe don't bite her head off every time she says something."

"My biggest challenge to date," Toni solemnly states, her face breaking into a snicker as Martha pushes her. "Come on, let's show these Christian losers some real moves."

Martha lets Toni pull her into the large crowd that's gathered to dance around the bonfire, grooving to a playlist someone put together that's blasting through some portable speakers. Martha lets out a delighted cackle as Toni goofily moves around, trying to do a stupid impression of an Irish jig. Her heart swells and once again she's thankful for the fact her friend is back in her life. If putting up with Shelby Goodkind is the price she has to pay, then fine, she'll deal with it.

_____

Toni takes it all back. She physically can not deal with Shelby Goodkind.

The girl is plastered. Without the rest of them knowing, Shelby has somehow been throwing back cups of vodka, beer, whiskey, who knows what else. She's barely standing on her feet, Toni notices, as she watches the blonde drape herself around Martha, hysterically laughing. Martha looks at Toni with wide eyes, unsure of how to help her drunk friend.

The brunette sighs, moving forward. "You should take her to bed."

Martha glances back to the boy she was talking to before Shelby had sprinted up and launched herself at her friend. She looks to Toni with a pleading glint in her eyes. "Can you do it? I'm kinda in the middle of something." She keeps her voice low, but from the hopeful glance the boy shoots Toni's way, he's heard as well.

Toni bites back a groan. "Only because I ghosted you for five years."

Her friend perks up, "That's true! I should pull that card more often."

"Please don't," Toni mutters, knowing it would work every time if she did. She reaches out to extract Shelby's arms from Martha, hooking one over her shoulder to steady the blonde's weight. The girl has her eyes closed, humming pleasantly as she leans into Toni.

The entire walk back is a struggle. Shelby is half-asleep on Toni's shoulders, drooling a little and mumbling incoherently. It's so dark out that Toni can't see shit, so she spends a moment trying to fish out her phone to use the flashlight, all while keeping Shelby standing up who is intent on lying down to sleep on the dirty ground. By the time they make it back to camp, Toni is this close to leaving Shelby on one of the campfire benches and calling it a day.

Shelby lurches suddenly, gagging a little, and Toni pauses to let her puke if she needs to. She heaves for a second, but thankfully nothing comes out. One eye pops open as the blonde looks at who is helping her.

A frown appears. " _You_."

" _Me_." The frown somehow deepens and Toni can't help but chuckle at the comical face Shelby is making. This doesn't lighten up her expression, however.

"Why are you helping me? You hate me."

"Martha would kick my ass if I abandoned you in the woods. Wouldn't want Big Foot to come get ya, right?"

Shelby groans loudly, causing Toni to jump a little and shush her quickly. Her eyes flick to Mr. Goodkind's tent, hoping that the noise didn't awaken the man. Shelby notices her eyeline and laughs.

"He won't wake. Trust me." Shelby gives an exaggerated wink that confuses Toni but has the girl diving into a peel of laughter. It must tire her out because her eyes start falling shut again and a second later she's conked out on Toni's shoulder.

"Come on, we're almost there," Toni mumbles. She turns her phone flashlight off as they near the Goodkind's tents and unzips the entrance of Shelby's with her now free hand.

She tries to deposit Shelby safely, but she ends up slightly shoving her through the entrance, and the blonde lands on her face with a thud and low moan. Shelby rolls to lay on her back, groaning.

"Do you have any water you can drink?" Toni whispers, kneeling near the entrance of the tent and watching Shelby curl into herself, shaking her head. "Fine, well enjoy the hangover tomorrow, I tried."

"Thanks, Becca. I love you, you know that, right?" Shelby slurs, shooting Toni a lazy grin that is so just _not_ Shelby that it has her pausing for a moment, before she zips back up the tent quietly, trying not to wake the now passed out blonde.

It takes her until she's tucked into Dot's spare sleeping bag to realize that Shelby called her by the wrong name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @trifowles on twitterrr
> 
> happy monday! i had a lovely weekend where I went hiking up these monster rocks outside my city and listened to podcasts. highly recommend it as a covid safe activity


	6. She Will Be Nice

Toni wakes the next morning, comfortably curled up in Dot's spare sleeping bag, with her mind still stuck on a drunk Shelby and how she looks when her guards are down and she doesn't hate the person she's smiling at. She turns over and sees Dot is passed out next to her, one arm thrown over her head, as some drool dribbles out of her open mouth.

Reaching out to glance at her phone, she's unsurprised to notice that she beat her alarm clock by an hour. Toni always tended to wake up earlier when she has things on her mind. In Minnesota, it'd mean working in an extra practice during basketball season and now it meant starting prep early in the kitchens. She guesses being stuck in the wilderness in a Big Foot search party meant waking up early enough to beat the shower rush.

Toni exits the tent, moving slowly in order not to wake Dot, and stretches languidly with a large yawn. The sun is barely peeking through the trees and she scratches her belly as her eyes rove the empty campgrounds. The park truly is beautiful, hell, if she was Big Foot she'd hide out here too.

The Ranger Center public showers were nothing to write home about, but it allows her to work off the grime that built up from last night and since it was empty, she could hum softly to herself. Stepping out, she quickly throws on her outfit for the day, another jeans and t-shirt combo with her Mom's jacket, and steps out into the brisk air. She notices a couple of people bringing out banquet platters towards camp and follows their path back into the Rangers Center to see where the trail of food starts.

Deep in the back rooms, Toni opens the door to a large kitchen. The Goodkinds clearly rented it out for the event, striking up a deal with the park themselves, and while space is dated and worse for wear, Toni immediately let out a sigh at the familiarity of being back in a kitchen. People bustle about, dancing around each other in the beautiful synchronicity that only occurs in a kitchen. A steady beat of knives chopping on the wooden boards fills Toni's ears and it's like music.

"Can we help you?" Toni jerks and glances over to a slightly smaller woman staring at her with a confused expression. Her hands are covered in flour and she's dressed in olive overalls over a yellow shirt that pairs well with her dark skin tone.

"No, sorry. I just -" Toni fumbles, not knowing how to explain it. "I'm a cook myself and when I saw breakfast being taken out, I was curious what the kitchen looked like."

The woman doesn't say anything for a moment, before breaking into a grin. Any intimidation energy she had before leaks out as she beams. "Oh! Well, why didn't you say so? Go have a look around, no one will care as long as you don't get in their way."

Relieved, Toni replies, "Thanks," and moves to enter the kitchen more fully but the woman's voice stops her again.

"I'm Maya," She grins, a big toothy smile that exudes warmth and Toni's stomach twists for a moment because it reminds her of Regan, "Just in case you were wondering."

"I was," Toni lies, because if she wasn't before she definitely is now. "Toni."

"Don't be a stranger, Toni," Maya ends with another look that drags from the bottom of Toni all the way back to her eyes.

Toni watches as Maya goes back to examining the various cooks as they go about their tasks. She leans over to lower the heat on one of the stoves and Toni tries to hide her approval, cause she herself was thinking the flame looked too high for eggs.

Realizing she's staring, she turns around and, of course, bumps into another body. Instinctively, her hands shoot out to steady the other person, and a quick, "Sorry!" escapes her lips.

Her eyes look up and meet soft green ones and bite back an insult upon realizing she bumped into Shelby Goodkind.

Her restraint lasts maybe two seconds. "How are you awake? Or even alive?"

Because of course, Shelby looks perfectly normal. Her skin is flawless, her hair is brushed and styled, and she's dressed in a casual but stylish hiking outfit like she's modeling for an L.L. Bean catalog. The last time Toni drank as much as Shelby did, she awoke on her friend's bathroom floor with a searing headache and zero motivation to live.

Shelby flushes a little, disengaging from Toni's grasp like her hands are covered in acid. "Just because I may have gotten carried away last night doesn't mean I can escape my responsibilities."

" _Responsibilities_? Do you come here just to watch everyone like a hawk?"

The blonde scowls. "Why are you even here? Besides flirting with the Head Chef," She dips her head aggressively towards Maya who is too focused on her work to notice.

"Careful, Shelby, your homophobia is showing."

Shelby's arms drop and it's like she's getting broken from a trance as she takes a deep breath, steadying herself. Her mouth opens but closes almost as fast, and then she's walking past Toni without saying another word.

She shakes her head, remembering her promise to Martha about playing nice, thanking her luck the girl wasn't there to see that. Toni decides to cut her losses and head back to camp before she stirs up more drama in the kitchen. She takes one last glance back at Maya to see her boxing up a tin of apple pie. The same pie she's been obsessed with for the last three days.

________

"I found my soulmate." Toni declares, sliding up next to Martha as she takes a sip from her water bottle.

They're preparing for another long day of walking around the forest, trying to spot any clues or signs that Big Foot is lurking around the corner. Martha lowers the bottle with an exasperated expression.

"Weren't you just hooking up with Fatin? How fast do you move?" Martha holds up a hand. "Actually, no need. I remember pre-Regan."

She stiffens, looking at Toni with wide eyes. "Shit, sorry, I shouldn't-"

"It's fine," Toni evades the topic, instead of barrelling on with her original statement. "This is different though, Marty, this girl bakes pies. And not just any pies, the best fucking pie I've ever had in my entire life."

Martha looks at her. "Pie? What kind?"

" _Apple_."

At this piece of information, Martha snorts, before busting out in a deep laugh that rattles her entire body. Toni watches in confusion as she wipes away a stray tear, finally calming down.

"Okay, what was that?"

She's still chuckling to herself as she pats Toni on the shoulder condescendingly. "Nothing. Your soulmate sounds great, Toni. What's her name?"

"Maya. She runs the catering company that's doing this event."

"Oh, cool, I know of her. She runs a restaurant in Seattle, La Dolce Vita, I've been there a couple of times with Shelby. Very talented."

Fatin walks up behind them, cutting into the conversation. " _Toni_ , what happened between us was private, why are you talking about how talented I am to your friend?"

Toni and Martha roll their eyes in sync, the latter having caught on to Fatin's personality fast. She gives Fatin a dry look that has the girl snickering to herself as Dot joins them as well, pocketing some cash from a recent buyer.

"Sup?" The redhead greets, giving a friendly smile to show her good mood at the sale.

"Just your friend smothering us with her narcissism as per usual."

Fatin makes an offended pout as Dot sighs. "Yeah, she always gets pretty insufferable after she gets laid."

"So every day then?" Fatin quips.

"You realize you're agreeing that you're insufferable, right?" Dot responds.

The girl shrugs. "I'm an acquired taste."

Toni laughs a little at that. "Does this mean you and Leah…?"

Fatin says nothing, only giving a coy smile that has Toni reaching out to bump their fists together. As their fists connect, Shelby walks up to stand on the other side of Martha and join the group.

"Hey, y'all!" She chirps, perky as ever despite the two gallons of alcohol she must have consumed the night before.

Dot covers her ears. "How are you this cheerful? Aren't your insides revolting?"

She smiles back, "I do a rigorous workout and detox routine that pretty much prevents me from getting hungover."

"Of course you do," Toni mumbles under her breath, plastering on a disingenuous smile when Martha looks over at her.

_She will play nice. She will play nice. She will play nice._

The horn sounds throughout the campgrounds as the groups are ushered to begin their trek for the day. As they start following the trails, Shelby claps her hands and turns to the four of them with a large grin.

"So! Since we're all hiking together, why don't we play a game, huh?"

"Like what?" Martha asks.

"Never Have I Ever?" Fatin offers, a mischievous expression forming.

Shelby holds up a hand, scrunching her face. "I don't know about that one. How about Q&A?"

"Isn't that just… having a conversation? Is that a game? " Dot responds as Toni tries to physically reign in her mocking comment.

"It is with the right attitude!" Shelby says, brightly, and Toni closes her eyes for a moment to stop them from rolling. "I'll go first! Dot, how did you and Fatin meet?"

"Facebook-." "-Tinder" They both respond at the same time.

Dot glares at Fatin as the girl cackles. She looks back at the group, "I responded to her ad looking for a roommate on Facebook."

"I have a question," Toni asks, nudging Martha with a sly look, "Who was that boy you were talking to last night?"

Martha blushes, shyly avoiding everyone's stare. "His name is Marcus." The group can barely hear her, but it doesn't matter, as they all whoop and holler at the news.

"Is he nice? If he hurts you in any way, I will kill him," Toni states seriously, cracking her knuckles dramatically for effect. She has only seen Martha with her heart broken once before, a stupid boy senior year in high school who asked her out then ghosted her after, and Toni was almost suspended for slashing his tires. Luckily, they didn't have enough evidence for anything to stick.

Martha dismisses her statement with a wave, too psyched about the boy to take her literally. "He's really, really nice. And he lives Bellevue, which is so close to Seattle." Her blush deepens and Toni can tell she's excited about the thought of him.

"I'm happy for you," Shelby says, nudging Martha with her shoulder and the girl responds with a matching smile.

"Thanks! But enough about Marcus," Her tone get's sly as she pokes Shelby, "Did you ever thank Toni for taking you back to your tent last night?"

Toni clenches her jaw as Shelby sharply looks at her with surprise. "Please don't."

The blonde frowns. "You took me back?" Her tone is dripping in doubt, probably not believing that Toni has ever done anything nice in her life.

Toni scoffs. "Did you think you magically made your way through the forest at night alone due to your _intense workout regime_?"

Shelby sends her a dirty look, because yeah, she obviously did think that, much to Toni's annoyance and slight amusement.

"It was very nice of her," Martha offers, "No offense, Shel, but I haven't seen you that drunk since my 21st. Was everything okay?"

"I let loose sometimes," Shelby replies defensively, "Why does that mean anything has to be wrong?"

Martha gives her friend a look like 'cause I know you, silly' that has Shelby looking away in protest.

A part of Toni, the mean-spirited, spiteful part, wants to bring up that the blonde called her Becca. That she sloppily grinned at her and said she loved her, all the while thinking it was this mysterious girl who did it. But Toni can't mention it, because she's seen the look on Shelby's face when anyone mentioned the name, Becca. It reminded her of the look on Dot's face when they were talking about her father.

It reminds her of the look she sees in the mirror when she thinks about Regan.

So she hides that knowledge, tucking it away into a part of her brain where she keeps all the thoughts that make her uncomfortable. She digs a hole next to where she has memories of her mom and where she thinks about basketball and stores the image of Shelby looking at her with trusting eyes as she falls asleep.

_________________

Toni's the first to arrive at dinner after the day ends. The hike was exhausting, everyone starting to feel the effects of staying up late drinking and then rising early. She spots Leah and makes her way over to sit with her, noticing she's sitting with Nora and Rachel from last night.

"Hey, guys," she says, immediately digging into her food. It's an amazing shrimp, garlic, and lemon linguine that is the perfect carbo-load after their all-day cardio.

Rachel watches her, judgment clear in her eyes. "Damn, man, it's not a race."

"You're just mad you're losing. This food is too good not to binge." The thought spurs her to glance around the outdoor dining area, scanning the faces to spot the one that had been lingering in her mind all day.

She finally spots Maya sitting with some of the other kitchen staff a couple of tables in front of her. The girl is grinning wickedly at her friend, laughing at a story the man is telling her. Her eyes glance over to where Toni is and their gaze connects, causing Toni to look away like she's in third grade again.

"Who's that?" Nora asks, having watched that painfully embarrassing interaction.

"No one," Toni mumbles, her heart still beating like crazy. Nora just continues openly staring between the girls, to Toni's dread.

Rachel saves her. "Nora, I think it's private." Her tone is a little sharp and Toni want's to jump in that it's not that serious of a situation, she didn't mind.

Nora hums and returns to her plate, her eyebrows furrowing in frustration at herself for missing the social cue. Toni feels a pang of sympathy and shoots her a smile to calm the girl's nerves. Nora returns it, her body losing the tension that had built.

Toni looks to Leah, who's enjoying her food innocently and responding to emails on her phone. "Yo, Leah, how was your night last night?"

Her tone is suggestive and when Leah glances up at her, she wiggles her eyebrows. A blush forms on the brunette's cheeks and she looks back down at her phone in embarrassment.

"Shut up," Leah replies.

She wants to say another word, but Fatin swoops down to sit on the other side of Leah, with Dot, Martha, and Shelby joining the table as well. Her comment dies on her lips, sparing Leah any further mockery with more people around. The semi-grateful look Leah gives her makes it worth it, before the brunette is swept up in conversation by Fatin.

She takes a moment to sit and enjoy the easy conversation the eight of them have. Nora and Leah fill Fatin in on both Nora's research and Leah's hopes for the article she's writing, with Fatin promising to provide provocative quotes for Leah's use (much to the girl's wary amusement). Rachel and Dot enter a conversation with Shelby, with the former curious what Shelby does in her workouts to be able to skip out on the painful experience of hangovers. Shelby is more than happy to dive in on that, laying out her eleven-step process for a healthy body, first formulated by her father and tweaked by her throughout the years. Dot just watches the two, making dry commentary every couple of seconds.

She finally takes in Martha, who's sharing shy glances with Marcus a couple of tables over. Her friend ducks her head briefly, before looking up again to stare at her crush, and Toni is pleased to see a similar energy radiating off of the boy.

If you told her a couple of days ago she'd be at a Big Foot search event, and kind of enjoying it as well? She'd have begged the person to shoot her and save her from the alternate universe she's definitely trapped in. But here she is, surrounded by girls who have slipped through the careful walls she's built over the years and has pulled out a side of her she hasn't shown people in years. The side of her that lets herself have fun, that makes jokes, that is comfortable enough with someone to poke fun at them.

Pulling herself out of her thoughts, she turns to enter the conversation to her right, catching the last bit of what Shelby's saying.

"-So if you keep your diet like that for six days of the week, your liver will be able to process alcohol much more quickly and the hangover is non-existent." She ends the sentence with a proud tilt of her lips.

And it's only because of the pleasant calmness that's coursing through her body, that makes Toni respond with a light tone. "If you ever put your regime in a PDF form, you should send it my way. I get the worst hangovers."

Shelby meets her gaze with a surprised raise of her eyebrows, measuring to see if she's sincere. She finds something in her expression cause her lips turn upward, a little shy.

"Yeah, I will."

Toni nods, turning back to her food, and she can feel Shelby's eyes linger on her, as well as Martha's pleased gaze at the interaction.

It's not exactly a truce, but it's feels like one.


	7. What Am I Missing?

That night, Shelby and Martha make another appearance at the afterparty again. Toni spots them quickly once they enter the clearing, watching them make their way over from her spot where she's chatting with Dot. She nods in greeting and Dot offers them both a drink as they join the duo near the fire. Martha takes it with a quick thanks, but Shelby shakes her head with a polite decline.

"Sticking to water tonight, I think," Shelby responds bashfully, tinged with a bit of self-deprecation.

"Wouldn't want to mess with the eleven-step regime, huh?" Toni asks. Unlike other times, her tone is not mean or snarky, but light. Shelby glances her way, cautious, uncertain if she's being messed with. She tries to smile genuinely, but it probably just comes across as an embarrassed grimace. Luckily, Shelby smiles back anyway, and then it's not hard for Toni's expression to be authentically friendly. Martha looks between them in pleasant surprise. Toni smirks her way a little because she's trying damn it and she's starting to realize that messing with Shelby is doing more harm to her than good.

If she's as evil as her father, it'll reveal itself eventually. In Toni's experience, bad people never hide their nature for too long. And if, or when, that happens, Toni can point to Martha the proof and take her away from the entire Goodkind clan. Trying to ruin Martha's image of Shelby will do her no good if it's tainting her own in the process (though she's definitely going to say 'I told you so' if Shelby does turn out to be a Get Out situation).

It's not long before Marcus waves Martha over and she's breaking away from the group with a delighted grin. Toni watches the boy greet her with a shy smile, and her eyes narrow as they hug. Moments later, Dot sees a buyer who's hunting her down and leaves, muttering under her breath about 'the dick better not be trying to get a freebie again'.

It leaves Toni with just Shelby to talk to and the two shift around on their feet awkwardly for a few moments. She's trying to scrounge her brain for something to talk about with the blonde, but it's next to impossible cause they have zero things in common. It's not like she's super interested in hearing about Shelby's bible school days or whether or not she believes that eating wheat is a sin. Toni wants to just walk away, but her options of people to talk to are severely limited.

Shelby must be thinking the same thing because she asks, "Where's Fatin?"

With a sigh, Toni points across the clearing to where Fatin and Leah are sitting on a cooler and talking with each other. Their knees keep brushing and Leah dips forward slightly, her face lighting up as Fatin laughs loudly at a joke she murmurs.

"Ah," Shelby responds. Her gaze lingers on them for a moment before she drags it back to Toni.

"Yeah, if I went over there to interrupt I think they'd both kill me. And I don't think Nora and Rachel came tonight, I haven't seen them anywhere."

Shelby offers lamely, "It's tiring to come every night, it starts to wear at you." They fall into another silence and it's such a thick air of awkwardness that Toni can only clear her throat before trying again.

"I'm surprised you came," Toni stuffs her hands in her pants, just to have something to do with them. "Thought last night would turn you off forever."

"Martha was excited to see Marcus again and being in the tent alone is a little spooky sometimes."

There's another pause as the conversation lags. Toni whistles to herself as she glances around the party. She spots Andrew standing with some of his friends and she subtly positions her body so she's blocking his view of Shelby.

Shelby stares at her, almost sizing her up, and Toni is about to snap something at her when the blonde speaks-

"Why are you being nice to me?" Shelby holds up her hands. "I'm not complaining, but I thought you hated me."

Toni shrugs. "Martha. I think if I continued low-key bullying you, she'd stop being my friend again." It sounds a little harsh so she tries to add a joke at the end. "Can only win her back so many times and all."

Shelby doesn't laugh, just tenses her jaw, her eyes almost disappointed? Before it's gone as quickly as Toni spotted it. "And you don't want to lose her again. Got it. Here I thought my sunny personality was finally winning you over."

"The Goodkind way?" Toni quips back and Shelby eventually loosens up, slipping back into her friendly mask she so easily crafts.

Her accent thickens as she places a hand over her heart. "Why, is there any other way?"

It makes Toni genuinely laugh and the sound must startle Shelby because she doesn't say anything else just looks at her for another moment before turning to the fire.

"She'd talk about you, you know," Shelby says quietly.

Toni raises an eyebrow. "Martha?"

Shelby nods. "I don't think she realized it, but whenever she'd tell stories about her childhood or high school, you were always in them. Every one."

Toni covers her eyes. "Oh god, they must have all been so embarrassing."

"No, no," Shelby responds, her tone off, "It sounded fun actually. So many adventures, it seemed all…carefree." Her voice is soft as she says it, refusing to look at Toni, her mind elsewhere.

The word carefree sticks out to Toni and she clenches her fist a little, feeling that oh so familiar rise of anger that starts in her fingertips and courses through her. Carefree? What about bouncing around foster care homes, avoiding homophobic jocks itching for a fight, and having to deal with her own innate bullshit sounded _carefree_? This girl probably spent her entire high school years on the top of social hierarchy, a random rich boy on her arm, ruling the school with a pageant smile and memorized bible verses.

"It wasn't carefree," Toni says stiffly.

Shelby turns to her, her face worried. "No, I didn't mean-"

"Hey!" A voice cuts in and the two look over to see Maya walking over to where they're at. Shelby deflates next to her as Maya nods politely to the blonde, before zeroing in on Toni. "Good to see you here, got tired of stalking the kitchen?"

"Wasn't much to look at anyway, I think the stove was built in 1880," Toni jokes, glad to be successfully distracted from Shelby's earlier comment.

"1900s at least," Maya sarcastically responds.

Shelby clears her throat. "I think I'm going to call it early tonight."

Toni looks to her, confused, but the girl is already headed off with a small wave to the two of them and walking back to camp.

"She okay?"

Toni shrugs, "Yeah, I don't know what that was about."

Maya doesn't say anything else about the subject, launching into a story about her day and a disastrous attempt at making steak kabobs for appetizers that dinner. Toni follows along, her eyes only sliding over to Shelby's retreating figure once.

She spends the rest of the night wrapped up in Maya's charismatic presence. They both realize they quickly have a lot in common, due to both traveling extensively for their jobs and being apart of the culinary industry. It even turns out they apprenticed for the same chef in Chicago, but during different years. At one point, Toni's laughing so hard at a story she's telling about a brief stint at a butcher shop in Italy, that she actually snorts. Snorts. The story involved a lot of guts, a wedding, and an angry man shouting at her in Italian, so it was hard not to.

It's just easy with her. Toni finds herself genuinely enjoying the girl's company, not even realizing that they're two of the last people at the party until Maya's ending the night with only a kiss on the cheek and a promise to see her again tomorrow. She can't even be mad at the slow pace when her heart's beating that fast.

_______________

Toni wakes up to her alarm the next morning, late enough to have missed the opportunity to talk to Maya again in the kitchens. She debates starting to set it earlier so they can talk more, but she knows she enjoys her sleep way too much to make that promise.

Breakfast has her usual dish of apple pie and she spots Maya waving at her from across the dining space where she sits with the rest of the kitchen staff. Toni waves back, pointing excitedly to the two slices of apple pie she grabbed, before realizing she must look like a huge dork. Maya gives her a thumbs up, smiling back with equal enthusiasm if just a tinged confused.

Martha, Shelby, and Fatin are already at the table when Toni slides in. Fatin gapes at her plate.

"They had pie, again? Fuck, I missed it," Fatin groans. She whips out her fork and makes the movement to take one of the slices from Toni, but the brunette blocks it with her own fork and a glare.

"Dude, you have two slices, share."

"No. This is _my_ pie. I want to have a nice small-town Connecticut wedding with this pie. Hell, I'd even carry this pie's children. Back off."

Fatin gives her a dirty look and an inappropriate gesture as she gets up to go to the buffet to get her own slice.

Toni takes another bite of her pie as she looks over to say good morning to Martha and Shelby. The former is hiding her mouth with her hand as she shakes silently in laughter, while Shelby adamantly avoids Toni's bewildered stare, with her eyes latched firmly on her plate and a slight blush crawling up her neck.

"What?" Toni asks.

Martha shakes her head, opening her mouth, but only lets out a loud, "Ow!" She glances at Shelby in betrayal, to see the blonde glaring back at her friend.

Toni analyzes them for a moment before shrugging, digging back into her pie and breakfast. "You guys are weird."

___________

Toni's running late to the hike. Her phone is getting terrible service out here and she's been trying to make calls all morning to line up her next job. There's a restaurant in Boston that plans on opening in two months and they just offered her a Sous-Chef position, which if she took would be the highest rank she's ever had in a kitchen. It's a fantastic opportunity and the cuisine is New American, something she doesn't have a lot of experience in so it'd be a great resume builder.

She totally wants to take it, but there's a voice (one that sounds suspiciously like Martha) in her head that worries it's too soon to leave her friend again after just reuniting.

Toni debates this as she makes her way up towards camp. Would Martha understand as long as they have a conversation about it? Or was she hoping she'd move to Seattle and be closer to the rest of the Blackburns?

Her thoughts are interrupted by a pair of voices on the outskirts of the camp. She inches up slowly, hoping not to draw attention, and see's Dave and Shelby Goodkind talking with one another. The patriarch is holding up a flyer, pointing at one of the images aggressively.

"How is this on brand, Shelby? Do you know nothing about our mission statement?" The flyer crinkles slightly as his grip on it hardens.

Shelby moves to cross her arms but immediately drops them to her side. "I know, Daddy, but our usual stock photos can be so stiff. I thought using more… modern images might attract other audiences."

Mr.Goodkind stills. "Modern? What does that mean?"

The blonde fumbles for a moment. "Just younger people. We don't want the organization to lose its teenage demographic, right?"

Mr. Goodkind nods at this, outwardly agreeing, but still skeptically taking his daughter in. He pushes the flyer back in Shelby's hands, checking his watch. "Search is about to start, go with your group, we'll talk more later."

Shelby starts walking away, but Mr. Goodkind stops her by calling out. "Shelby?" She turns and makes eye contact with her Dad, with Toni completely in her point of view now. "Be better, okay sweetheart?"

It's so casually cruel, that even from a couple of feet away, Toni can see Shelby swallow thickly. Mr. Goodkind strides past her, pulling out his horn to get ready to start the hike. The blonde stays still, closing her eyes and taking long, even breaths. When she opens them again, her eyes connect with Toni.

"Lord!" The blonde exclaims, jumping. "Were you eavesdropping?"

"I didn't mean to!" Toni steps forward tentatively. "I was walking back from my car. The phone service here is terrible." She's standing beside Shelby now and the girl doesn't interrogate her further, both walking towards the search group together.

She doesn't know why, but she asks, "What was that about, anyway?"

Shelby glances at her briefly. "I changed the stock images on a flyer without his approval." She says it like it's her fault like it was something she should have known not to do and that doing so was a fatal mistake. Toni could understand if she was talking about purchasing a new dungeon for their organization's secret lair, but a _flyer_?

Mr. Goodkind's words echo in her mind and she frowns at how comfortable he felt saying them. The way he could tear down his daughter's confidence with only two words. He reminded her of every asshole foster family she had that wanted to mold her into the child they've always dreamt of, only to throw her away the moment they realized that child didn't exist. They were stuck with just Toni.

Toni watches as Shelby begins to stuff the flyer in her pocket and she instinctively she reaches out to grab it from her hands.

"Hey-"

"-You made this?" She takes a look at the sleek design on the flyer. It's for the Dawn of Eve organization, detailing their various charity outreach programs and youth groups. Everyone in the pictures looks so happy and untroubled, and sure it's a little cheesy but it's overall a well-done flyer.

Shelby flushes, ripping the flyer back and stuffing it in her pocket. "Yeah, super quickly. I had some time after work and some of our flyers are so outdated…"

Toni interrupts her as she trails off. "It's really good. I don't know anything about design, but if I was into Christianity and all that, it'd make me think about joining." She says the last part a little pathetically because they both know there's not a single world where Toni would think about joining any group, let alone a religious one.

Shelby gives her a look, definitely not believing her, but smiling like she appreciates the compliment all the same. Her face is amused as she responds, "Thanks, but you don't have to be extra nice just cause you saw my Dad chewing me out."

Toni rolls her eyes. Sure, maybe a small part of herself felt bad for the blonde after seeing the interaction. But she also feels like the girl has been a little down for the past couple of days and Toni's not going to kick a puppy while they're getting amputated. If saying a couple of nice things will cheer up the girl, she'll at least try.

The walk is silent for a moment, before Toni tries, "So you work for your Dad?"

Shelby scoffs. " _No_. He wants me to, but… I was able to get out of it. I work for a foundation in Seattle. It's focused on Suicide Prevention and Mental Health."

"Oh," Toni states, cause _damn_. "That's actually really cool."

The blonde smirks. "Surprised?"

"Kind of. Always assumed you were a nun or were the person who stands in college quads with large signs saying everyone's going to hell."

"Only on the weekends," Shelby states casually and Toni gapes at her for a moment before the blonde busts out laughing. "You're so easy."

Toni pushes at her. "Fuck off."

They're still laughing as they meet up with the rest of the girls at the beginning of the trail and who are staring at the pair like they've just sprouted two heads and started doing the jig.

Toni's laughter tapers off as she takes in their expressions. "What?"

"You two…" Dot points between them, mouth open, "Were _laughing_."

Toni scoffs. "Don't you want us to get along?"

"I did before, but now it's a little creepy seeing it," Dot replies, "It feels like the sign of the apocalypse."

Martha comes over to throw her arms around Toni and Shelby's shoulders. "Well, I love it! My two best friends becoming friends. I could cry."

Toni disengages from Martha's grip, scowling, "Okay, let's not go overboard. She still might try to baptize me in my sleep."

"Already have," Shelby says, hitching her bag higher on her shoulders and walking away from everyone. She shoots a teasing smile back over her shoulder that has Toni reciprocating it self-consciously.

She turns back to Martha, wanting to talk to her about Boston, but notices the girl staring at her with an intrigued expression.

"What?"

Her friend doesn't respond, just follows after Shelby, muttering things under her breath like 'such an idiot' and 'going to be the death of me'.

Toni looks to the rest of them in confusion. "What am I missing?"

Nora opens her mouth to respond, but Rachel slaps a hand over it, pushing her sister along to head up the trails. Dot, Fatin, and Leah aren't any help either, they just start walking as well, leaving her behind to stare at their back in confusion.

What the hell is she missing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i missed yesterday's update!! one of those lethargic, hungover days where I had 0 motivation, but I'm back! 
> 
> if this was a crack fic, at the end the group (besides shelby and toni) would sing "there's something there that wasn't there before" 
> 
> @trifowles if you want to say hi!


	8. Cassiopeia

Throughout the day, it becomes more and more clear that the dynamics of the hike have changed. Martha wanders away early on, spotting Marcus lingering nearby trying to grab her attention, and the two disappear in their own little world of early courtship. Fatin and Leah follow a similar path, ducking their heads together further up, giggling.

And while Toni has Dot, Rachel, or Nora to talk to, she finds herself gravitating towards Shelby for conversation. She pleasantly realizes when the blonde is away from the prying eyes of her father and his friends, she can be goofy and witty. Shelby is actually interested in learning about Toni and asks questions that she, weirdly enough, feels comfortable enough to respond to.

"So you played basketball?" Shelby asks as the two hike up a particularly grueling incline.

"Closest thing I had to a religion," Toni jokes, holding her hand out for Shelby to grasp so the girl can climb over a large rock. Her hand is smooth in her grip and as soon as Shelby is steady, she releases her immediately.

"Thanks," Shelby murmurs. She clears her throat. "Why'd you stop playing?"

Toni swallows as she debates how to answer the questions. "Martha didn't tell you?" The blonde shakes her head. "It's kind of personal, to be honest. But basically, I did something stupid and I paid the consequences for it."

Shelby doesn't press for any more information, just continues walking with a thoughtful expression. Toni follows her in silence, content to watch the wind move through the trees, rustling the branches and enveloping the brunette with peace. She doesn't feel the need to tell a story, make a joke, ask a question just to be polite. Everything that occurs is because she genuinely wants it to. Perhaps, severely disliking someone unintentionally creates a comfortableness that otherwise wouldn't occur.

So it's with curiosity that she says, "How'd all this start anyway?"

Shelby looks at her, holding back a branch for Toni to pass through, "What, the organization?"

She points out an unsteady log for Shelby to avoid tripping over. "Yeah, I mean, did you get a lot of shit in high school for being the Big Foot girl?"

She rolls her eyes. "I wasn't called _the Big Foot Girl,_ one, but I definitely had a reputation for being super religious. I grew up in Texas, though, I mean everyone was religious."

Toni smirks. "You totally were popular, I knew it. Were you Prom Queen? Head Cheerleader? C'mon, you can be honest."

"I'm not going to tell you," Shelby simply responds, her voice light.

Toni lets her voice get higher, adopting a comically terrible Texan accent. "My stars, I can't believe the Good Lord graced me by letting me walk side by side with a real Prom Queen. Someone grab my inhaler for my breath is simply stolen."

Shelby begins walking faster, ignoring her as Toni dissolves into cackles, clapping her hands together in glee. The brunette notices she's quickly getting left behind so she jogs to catch up to the girl. She sees that Shelby is trying to keep a straight face, her lips are trembling as she tries to keep a straight face.

"It's okay, you can laugh, my impression is spot on."

"It's not. It's terrible actually." But her tone isn't annoyed whatsoever, in fact, it's the most genuine that she's sounded towards Toni since this whole Big Foot thing started.

______

That night, as people start quietly making their way towards the clearing for that night's festivities, Toni heads over to where Martha is about to leave with Shelby.

"Hey Marty," Toni whispers, her eyes falling on Mr. Goodkind's dark tent. "Can we talk real quick?"

Martha furrows her brows, adopting a worried look. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, no, everything is fine," Toni says, "I just wanted to run something past you. Career stuff, maybe you had advice?"

Shelby squeezes Martha's shoulder. "I'll walk ahead. See you guys there."

Toni shoots her a thankful look as the blonde starts heading towards the clearing without them. The two childhood friends follow soon after and as they walk through the trees, guided only by the soft light of Martha's flashlight, Toni starts getting a little nervous. What if Martha hates her again? Or will she be genuinely happy for her friend?

"So, what is it?" Martha stuffs her free hand in her pocket, shivering a little at the chilly Spring evening.

Toni scratches her head. "I got a job offer. A really good gig as a Sous-Chef for this new restaurant opening up in Boston. It could be a big deal for me."

"That's great, Toni!" Martha exclaims, reaching out to pull her friend into a hug. "Why were you afraid of telling me that? That's amazing!"

She hugs Martha back tightly, closing her eyes in relief. Of course, she was stressed about nothing, Martha had always been supportive of Toni and her passions. Whether or not it was basketball or astronomy, or that one time she got super into Pokemon cards in Middle School, Martha had never once doubted her.

"I don't know," Toni sighed, "Just being stupid. I didn't want you to think I was leaving you again."

Martha scrunches her nose, a tell-tale sign she's deep in thought. "It's different now though, right? You're not just running from your problems again?"

This startles Toni, the sentence jarring her. "What? No, 'course not."

Martha hums happily. "Okay, good. I just don't want you to, like, be afraid of building a home somewhere just because you think it's impossible for you. But if you genuinely do like moving around and traveling, then I'm happy for you."

She continues walking, unaware of the impact her words have on Toni. It echoes throughout her mind all the way through the forest until they're in the clearing, and they're joining the rest of their friends with large smiles. She lets herself get pulled aside by Maya and fall into the easy rhythm of their conversation.

Maya doesn't notice how Toni is quieter than normal, perfectly satisfied just by having a spare ear to listen to her. Toni nods at the right moments, laughs when it's appropriate, and voices her approval at all the necessary times. But it's impossible to get Martha's words out of her head, the bitch has always been able to impact her without realizing it. As Maya smiles, pausing for a moment to wait for Toni's laughter, she decides to store it away for now. Here she is, with a pretty girl entertaining her with anecdotes, and she's too stuck in her own head to enjoy it.

So she leans in to kiss Maya softly, hoping that the action will still the racing thoughts that gallop around her skull. The girl quickly responds, threading her fingers in Toni's curly hair and grinning into her lips. Toni pulls away, leaving behind a soft peck.

"You liked the story that much, huh?" Maya flirts, weaving their fingers together.

And Toni feels bad for a moment because she genuinely can't recall what her story was about. So she nods softly, and to avoid answering, kisses her again.

Maya breaks away after another couple of moments. Her smile twists into a pout. "Hate to leave just as it's getting good, but I have an early start time tomorrow for prep."

Toni groans. "Can't you stay a little longer? Or I can walk you to your tent," She grips Maya's hips, pulling her in flush against her chest, "And we can sneak away…"

Maya laughs, kissing her briefly, before letting go of Toni and stepping back. "I'd love to, I really would, but I can't miss my alarm. I'll see you tomorrow, though?"

"See you tomorrow," Toni waves, watching her go, before stuffing her hands in her jacket and walking over to where Rachel and Dot are by the keg.

She approaches and grabs a cup to pour herself a drink. Dot holds out a high-five.

"When did you get with the Chef?" Dot asks, grinning as Toni half-heartedly slaps it.

She takes a long pull of her beer. "Yesterday?"

Rachel shakes her head. "Everyone here has their mind in the gutter, damn."

"Sometimes I wish Mateo could have made it," Dot says, "Then I think about how you're all getting down and dirty in the _woods_ and I realize I'm glad he had work."

Toni points at her with a sly wink. "Don't knock it till you've tried it."

"Pass," She and Rachel reply in unison.

Her attention is drawn by Shelby approaching their group tentatively. The blonde wrings her hands nervously in front of her as she smiles hello at the three girls.

"Can I talk to you?" Shelby says, and Toni realizes with a jolt that she's talking to her.

"Me?"

Shelby scoffs a little, "Yeah." A pause, her eyes flicker to Dot and Rachel briefly. "In private?"

Toni frowns but follows the blonde anyways, only sparing a brief confused glance behind her towards Rachel and Dot (the latter wiggling her eyebrows suggestively that has Toni flipping her off).

The pair walk past the fire and deeper into the forest until the noises around them disappear and all that's left is the two of them and a stifling silence. Shelby faces her and Toni can barely make her out, with only the moonlight brightening them.

"I want you to promise me you'll let me finish before storming off."

Toni crosses her arms, already not liking whatever this could be. "Not a good start, but continue."

"Do you promise?"

"No? What if you're going to kill me?"

Shelby takes a step forward, her tone souring in annoyance. "Take this seriously. I just wanted to warn you."

Toni's heart sinks. "Is it Martha? Did Marcus do anything?" She turns on her heel, about to march back to camp, because yes she's helped her anger issues but it's _Martha_ and all that flies out the window when it comes to her best friend. "I'll fucking kill him."

She's not allowed to take another step as Shelby grabs her arm and pulls her back to face her. "It's not Martha. Marcus is a very nice boy. It's Maya."

This confuses her even more. "What about Maya?"

The blonde exhales. "You have to be careful, kissing and touching her when you're near camp. I know the parties are different, but if you're getting involved with her, you can't have my Dad finding out."

Out of all the things she thought Shelby was going to say, this was one of the last and possibly the worst. She realizes Shelby's still holding her arm and rips it out of her grasp, her warm grip feeling more like a painful burn now.

" _What_?"

Shelby closes her eyes, her mouth trembling. "I know, okay? I know it's terrible. But I promise if he finds out, he won't leave you alone. It'll ruin your entire trip."

Toni just shakes her head, her eyebrows drawn together so tight a headache is forming, as she stares in disbelief at Shelby. She had actually started to get tricked by this girl into thinking she was an okay person. But of course, just like every other overzealous Christian warrior, she was as hateful as the rest. She refuses to feel the hurt that threatens to seep in, but her heart twists painfully without consent.

"You know you really had me fooled for a second," Toni states, her voice flat. She doesn't want to give Shelby the satisfaction of hearing her disappointment.

She turns to walk away again and Shelby follows her in distress. "Toni, I am _not_ like him, I promise. I'm just trying to help, please, we were so close to being friends."

Toni shoots back a disgusted look. "I would never be friends with a homophobe."

She continues walking, her harsh steps aggressively crunching the various leaves and fallen branches that are underneath her. Toni doesn't hear Shelby try to follow and she believes that her last sentence had finally shut her up when a desperate voice calls out-

"I'm gay!"

Toni stills.

She turns slowly to face Shelby who's clenching her fists painfully next to her body and staring determined back at Toni.

"You're…?"

Shelby marches right up to her. "I'm gay, okay? Are you happy? Martha knows, my friends in Seattle knows, my co-workers know. But my Dad doesn't and he never will. So _that's_ why I'm warning you because I know what kind of man my father is and how he acts towards people like us."

Toni needs a moment to recover from this. Her entire brain has halted, no thoughts forming, nothing. Just a blank state of disbelief.

As she flounders, Shelby storms past her and the movement jumps Toni into action again. She cuts in front of her, blocking her exit path. Shelby groans, staring at her, looking like she regretted telling the brunette anything.

" _You're_ gay?"

Shelby just nods mockingly like she's an idiot. Toni stares back for a moment, thoughts whirling before everything finally clicks and she's bursting out in laughter. It's the kind of deep, full belly laugh that shakes her entire core and possesses her completely. She's bent over by the time she looks back up to see Shelby staring at her in shocked disbelief and a tinge hurt.

"It's not funny! Coming to terms with this was severely traumatic. It took years of therapy to become comfortable with myself."

Toni tries to sober up, wiping the spare tears from her eyes and shaking her head at the girl. "No, I know, I'm so sorry. It's just," another little giggle pops out. "You have no idea how many times I called you a homophobe in my head. But you're _gay_."

She leans against a tree to support her weight, her knees a little weak after laughing that hard. As her chuckling dies down, she glances over at Shelby to see her staring back with annoyed amusement. The blonde cocks her eyebrow at her and she smiles back. It's simple, but it fixes everything between them for Toni and she knows that the blonde feel's the same way.

It's this easiness that has her thinking about what it must have been like to grow up with Dave Goodkind. Toni had been giving her so much shit about having the perfect aesthetic, the perfect family, the perfect _life_. For having everything Toni had wanted as a child but never had. But it turned out this girl was as trapped growing up as Toni was, it was just a golden cage versus her wooden.

"I'm sorry," Toni says, trying to convey her sincerity.

Shelby's mouth parts in surprise. "For what?"

She tips her head back so she's staring at the sky, her head resting against the bark of the tree. Toni can briefly make out Cassiopeia in the sky. "I suppose I wasn't that fair to you when I first got here. I had you pegged as someone you're not."

"Plus," she let's out, this time reluctantly, "I was a little jealous."

" _Jealous_?" Shelby croaks, " _You_ were jealous of _me_?"

Toni groans, pushing off the tree and pacing about. "Kind of! I mean you totally replaced me with Marty, she's like obsessed with you. And I had missed her so desperately, that I was a little jealous of your friendship with her. I was jealous of all the years you got to have with her without me."

Shelby's staring at her again in surprise and Toni looks away mortified. "I know, it's stupid, and if you ever repeat it I'll vehemently deny it and put bugs in your sleeping bag."

A grin breaks on her face. "Secret's safe with me, but if you want to know… I was jealous of you too."

"Really?"

She shrugs, her eyes downcast. "I heard all these stories about you and Martha growing up. How you were out in Middle School, how you had a high school sweetheart, how even though people gave you shit, you didn't care. I was jealous of that. I never really got to have that teenage romance era."

"Not even with Andrew?" Toni teases.

The blonde scrunches her nose. "No, never. Andrew was, well to be blunt, a beard. It was when we got engaged I realized I had to make the choice whether or not to be myself or succumb to a lifetime of trying to please my father."

"But you're not out to him…" Toni trails off, and Shelby shoots her a sad smile, shaking her head.

"I never will," she inhales sharply, "Despite everything, even with all the bad that comes with them, I love my family. And it's because I love them that I'll never tell them."

"So you'll just continue to hide?"

"They live in Texas, I live in Seattle. I see them once or twice a year for holidays and then two weeks for the Big Foot event," Shelby argues, "I have a very happy, open life in Seattle. I have the best of both worlds, why should I give myself and them unnecessary pain?"

"But what happens when you fall in love? When you want to bring someone home?"

"The person I end up with will understand that it's not possible," Shelby says and her voice is measured as she stares at Toni. It feels like a test.

Toni swallows, her gaze caught in Shelby's for a moment, before she turns away. "Well, I guess it's not my business anyway."

A pause. "Right."

"I'll tone it down with Maya around your Dad," Toni says, her feet already in motion to walk back to the clearing, "Should we head back?"

Shelby doesn't respond, but Toni can hear her footsteps follow behind her. She slows down so Shelby can catch up and when she feels her presence to her side, she looks over with a grateful smile. "Thanks, by the way."

"For what?"

"Looking out for me. And for Martha all those years. That especially."

It's the softest she's ever sounded around the girl, Toni knows this. So while Shelby doesn't respond, the both of them walking in silence back to the party, Toni thinks she doesn't really have to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeehaww, one of my fav chapters to write. one specific interaction brought me a lot of joy, so i hope you notice it. 
> 
> also: damn i did not think the pie bit would pick up as much as it did
> 
> @trifowles, thank you all so much for reading, i always appreciate the comments!!
> 
> also i've been so bad about music recs!! been in a weird emo/folk phase so it's: no children by the mountain goats (sorry in advance)


	9. I Think You're Getting Along Just Fine

"That's not Big Foot."

"It's fucking Big Foot."

"It's like a size nine at least, it can't be Big Foot."

Toni groans as she plops down on a nearby log, watching with arms crossed as Dot and Fatin talk in circles with each other. The group had decided to wander off from the search party and explore the forest by themselves. A couple of hours in, whilst an especially sunny day beats down upon them, Dot had stumbled upon a footprint hardened in the mud.

"I'm with Fatin," Toni states, "Since, you know, Big Foot doesn't _fucking exist_."

Dot just waves her off with a dry glare and Toni resigns herself to watching them argue for another fifteen minutes.

Fatin gestures at the footprint wildly. "We're, like, right by the bonfire clearing. I'm sure some drunken idiot took off their shoes and walked home and that's what we're looking at it."

Martha wanders closer with Shelby, peering down at the footprint warily. "It'd be kinda scary if it actually was Big Foot."

Toni laughs at the spooked expression on her friend's face as Shelby squints at the footprint as well.

"It does seem a little small…" Shelby murmurs.

"Can't we just take a picture, send it to Mr. Goodkind, and then leave?" Toni whines, "I'm hungry and I already ate my bagged lunch."

Shelby glances at her, amused, before reaching out to hand over her own bagged lunch. "Here, I have a leftover orange in there."

"One orange? What am I a squirrel?" Toni says, nevertheless ripping the bag out of her hands greedily. She starts tearing the outer peel off, eating the slices, while the juice dribbles down her chin and coats her fingers. Toni pops her thumb in her mouth, sucking off the liquid.

She hears a throat being cleared. "Try to be a little more civilized, please," Shelby responds, scrunching her nose at Toni with a light blush on her cheeks.

Usually, Toni would snap back something rude followed by a graphic gesture, but instead she just smugly chews with her mouth open at Shelby who rolls her eyes at the girl's childish antics. She's not dumb enough to be oblivious to the change in their dynamic. Before, the hostility between them was palpable, making everyone around them uncomfortable with the aggression. Now, they still bantered back and forth as if nothing changed, but the underlying current of anger was gone. Replaced with friendly bickering that thrilled Toni, constantly keeping her on her toes around the blonde.

She wasn't the only one who noticed the change. The rest of the girls kept exchanging looks whenever Toni and Shelby went into their usual back and forth. Every smile swapped resulted in Martha's eyebrows being raised high and higher.

Dot sighs and stands up, shaking out the stiffness in her legs. She reaches into her trusty cargo shorts and pulls out her phone, snapping some pictures. "Shelby, if I send this to you, can you send it to your Dad? I don't have his number."

"Of course," the blonde replies brightly, "I'll show him before dinner tonight." She joins Dot as they begin walking away from the footprint, the latter marking the trees so they can find it again.

Toni jumps down from the log, spotting Martha lingering behind, and joins the girl in the back of the group walking towards the camp.

"If it's Big Foot, I give you permission to push me off a cliff," Toni dryly says.

Martha gives her a tired look. "You're such a pessimist. Wouldn't it be great to know that the world you live in, has things bigger than you?"

"No." Toni chuckles at Martha's dirty glance. "What? If Big Foot actually existed, I'd be terrified. I like being the Alpha predator in this world, thank you very much."

"You're not even the Alpha in this forest, let alone the world, Toni."

Toni nudges her, her smile growing as the girl nudges back. She feels like she's a teenager again at a summer camp with her best friend (or what she imagines summer camp would be like if she ever had been to one). They continue walking in silence for several more moments, content to enjoy the beautiful scenery and watch their friends laugh and jostle each other up ahead. Toni watches as Shelby and Dot lean closer to analyze the photo together, carefully navigating the forest with their heads hunched towards the other. Shelby's eyebrow furrows, her tongue peeking out between her lips as she concentrates.

Martha breaks it first. "What's with you and Shelby?"

Toni scrunches up her face, turning to look at her in confusion. "Shelby? What do you mean?"

"You guys are all _friendly_ now. Which I'm all for, of course, but I was just wondering if there was something…more."

"More." She repeats, her tone flat.

Martha holds up her hands in defense, glancing up ahead to double-check that the group is not close enough to listen. "Sorry! I'm not suggesting anything, I just thought I got a vibe."

The idea of something more with Shelby makes her stomach twist with anxiety and Toni stuffs that notion in her ever-growing storage unit of unpleasant thoughts. She struggles at how to respond, unsure herself about what has changed between her and Shelby. She just views the girl differently now. I mean, how could she not after what she told her? Before, Shelby was the epitome of everything she hated about organized religion. She was fake, polished, privileged, judgemental, the list goes on. But as soon as Shelby came out to her, every adjective she thought described the blonde came with several footnotes and citations explaining a deeper context that justified them in a way.

Not knowing how to put all that into words, Toni just says, "She came out to me. Told me about her family situation."

Martha grabs her arm, an excited grin blossoming on her face. "Really? So now you understand, thank God! I was getting so annoyed at your comments that she was homophobic."

She laughs, because yes she deserves that. "It's easier to be nice to her now, that's for sure. I don't think we'll ever _really_ get along though."

Martha scoffs, shooting Toni a look of disbelief. "I think you're getting along just fine."

Toni doesn't respond to that, content to let Martha begin to spill all of the recent developments regarding her and Marcus. She listens attentively, genuinely enjoying the happiness her best friend exudes and tries to ignore the ever-growing seed that has been planted in her mind.

________________________

As soon as they meet back up with the search party, Shelby breaks away from the girls to head over to where her father is holding court with the West Search Party near the camp. Dot follows, hot on her trails, and Toni raises an eyebrow in surprise. She had assumed Dot was exclusively here for the parties and potential drug sales, regarding the Big Foot situation with a similar amusement as Toni, but from the excitement clear on Dot's face as she talks with the Goodkind's she's starting to believe that she's more interested in the conspiracy theory than she let on to others.

Fatin notices her scrutinizing gaze. "Her Dad liked Big Foot, but they weren't into Dawn of Eve, don't worry."

Toni glances to her side where the girl has sidled up and is fiddling with a tube of lip gloss. "I didn't say anything."

She points her finger at Toni. "You had your 'I-Hate-Religion' face on and I couldn't have it pointed at my girl Dorothy. She's not into hardcore Christianity, she's just doing this for her Dad." Her lips stretch into a proud smirk as she applies the gloss. "And to make a shit ton of money selling drugs."

"Can everyone just read my face constantly?" Toni asks, already knowing the answer.

Fatin leans in with a wicked grin. "You have no idea, Shalifoe." She throws her a wink as she saunters off to Leah's side, poking the girl's waist that has the brunette yelping in surprise. Toni shakes her head, hating that she finds the two of them cute.

"Attention, everyone!"

Dave Goodkind's amplified voice echoes throughout the trees as Toni slams her hands over her ears to protect them. Up ahead, Mr. Goodkind has pulled out his megaphone and has begun talking into it while an overenergetic smile threatens to split his face open.

"It has been brought to my attention," he booms, "That a potential Big Foot Footprint has been found over near Little Rock Trail! We'll be having an emergency search party heading over there immediately. Any volunteers meet me in ten at the trail entrance!"

People clap and whoop, excited whispers spread like fire throughout the camp. Toni watches as those who have just spent eight hours hiking, pack up their things again and make their way over to where Mr. Goodkind is leading the group towards Little Rock Trail. New energy seems to course through their veins, adding a pep in their steps as they cluster together around Mr. Goodkind. She spots Dot and Shelby talking to each other in excitement, at the front of the pack.

Martha heads over to where Toni is watching this all happen in horror, seriously disturbed at the energy levels being shown. "You going?"

"Not even if Rihanna was leading the hike."

Martha loops their arms together. "Perfect, let's eat." She leads the two over towards where the dining area is practically deserted. Only a straggle of people has decided to opt-out of the emergency search party, sticking around to enjoy the almost untouched buffet. Toni is in heaven. The entire buffet is freshly put out and for most of the items, she has complete first dibs, leaving the girl floating on cloud nine. She happily piles up her food, ignoring the slightly judgemental looks of disapproval Martha gives her, humming softly to herself while she does.

She and Martha plop down on one of the empty tables, entering a conversation about Martha's job back in Seattle (an assistant nurse at a Veterinary's Clinic). Her friend is detailing a story about a recent goat patient they had, when Toni feels a soft hand on her shoulder, trailing along her back before pulling away.

"Hey, guys!" Toni looks up to see Maya sitting down beside her, smiling at both her and Martha.

She quickly swallows the large bite that just entered her mouth. "Maya, hey! Have you met my girl, Marty?"

Maya reaches out to shake Martha's hand with eagerness. "I haven't! You're Toni's childhood friend right?"

"Childhood friend, best friend, platonic soulmate," Toni teases, "The list goes on."

"Ah, my apologies," Maya mocks, looking between the two, "So you guys didn't want to join the search party?"

Martha shakes her head. "I'm exhausted, I don't know how everyone can continue on like that without even having dinner."

"And I could care less, truly," Toni states, shoveling another spoonful of deliciousness into her mouth.

Maya shakes her head fondly at Toni, reaching out to poke at one of her puffed-up cheeks. "Well, I'm glad someone is eating my dinner. I spent all day planning out a kick-ass three-course meal and then, of course, someone has to steal the glory with a Big Foot sighting."

"I'm not complaining," Martha says, politely, "This is delicious."

"Thanks, doll!" Maya replies and Toni starts listening happily as Maya launches into a story about her day and her adventures preparing the various ingredients into their meal. She relays dramatically how the local vendor in town charges extra just because he forages and grows his own ingredients in his backyard. Toni nods, spending most of the time finishing her plate, while Maya goes into detail about the hassle it is debating prices with him. She feels Martha trying to meet her gaze several times, but each moment she looks at her friend, the girl is nodding attentively at Maya.

"-Luckily, since we're buying wholesale, we could ultimately get a good deal," Maya tapers off.

Martha waits for a beat, as if unsure it's her turn, before replying, "Wow, that's insane. I never knew the restaurant industry was so intense." She ends the sentence with a pointed look towards Toni, giving her an inscrutable look when their gaze finally connects. Toni tilts her head back in confusion, but Martha doesn't elaborate further.

"Right? It's never boring, that's for sure," Maya chirps, before clapping her hands together, "Well, I should go save some of this food for when the group comes back." She stands up from the table, using Toni's shoulder as support.

She leans in to quickly peck Toni on the cheek. "See you guys later?"

"See you!" Toni calls back to Maya's retreating figure. She notices her plate is completely done now with a pang of slight sadness, glancing back up to Marty who's staring at her with a scrutinizing expression.

"What?"

Martha opens her mouth, looking like she's debating on how to best say what's going to come out next, before deciding to just stay quiet.

Toni kicks her foot lightly under the table to grab her attention. Her friend reluctantly drags her gaze back to look at her.

"What's wrong? You don't like Maya?"

She shrugs. "It's not that I don't like her. She's super funny and nice, but…" Martha sighs and sets down her fork with a soft clang, "Don't you think she only talks _at_ you, not really _with_ you? I feel like she only asked us a question once."

"Really?" Toni says, trying to think back to when Maya was just here. She supposes the girl _did_ spend the majority of her time talking about her own day, but Toni didn't really notice. If anything, it was nice to not have to think about any of her own issues for once and just enjoy someone else taking control of the conversation. With Maya, it was like a long drive in the passenger seat, she could take in the views, listen to the music and not have to worry about any responsibility. "I guess I don't really mind, it's kinda nice in a way."

Martha holds her gaze for a moment before nodding, looking back down to her plate. "If you don't mind it, then I don't. Is it serious?"

Toni shakes her head, "Hell no, I'm off to Boston and she's staying in Seattle. It'd never work out."

"Maybe after Boston, you can find a job in Seattle," Martha offers, her face lighting up in excitement and hope. "I'd love to have you close by again and it'd be so much fun with you in the city with Shelby and me."

For a moment, Toni allows herself to imagine this world. A future where she's not constantly bouncing around from city to city, job to job, new life to new life. Where she has a constant in Martha again, a safe space to rest. She envisions herself settling into a nice apartment in Seattle, perhaps rooming with Matha. She pictures herself walking to work each morning, where she's a Sou-Chef at a reputable restaurant, and enjoying the brisk Seattle morning. On nights, when she's not working, she can see herself and Marty hitting the town with Shelby in tow. A Shelby that's far away from her family and the community that has loomed over her for so many years. Toni wonders what Shelby is like in Seattle, what she looks like when she's completely free from her father's influence. She has seen hints of it, but Toni can't help but want to see more, to see the girl completely unleashed.

But just as quickly as she lets the thought come, does she tuck it away again. It would never work out.

"Maybe," Toni mumbles, pushing her plate away from her and leaning back on the bench. Martha doesn't say another word as Toni lets the fading sun beam on her face and her eyes slip close.

"Hey, y'all!"

Her eyes pop open to see Shelby coming towards them with a large grin on her face, excitement vibrating off of her. It's the exact smile that Toni pictures her wearing in Seattle and with the setting sun illuminating her silhouette, Toni finds her breath catching.

Shelby swings onto the bench beside Martha, diagonal from Toni. "You'll never believe this, but Daddy thinks the footprint might be a legit lead."

"You're right," Toni tilts her head, "I don't believe that."

The blonde just throws her a dismissive hand gesture, focusing on Martha for the optimism she desires. "Isn't that great, Martha? Maybe this year is the year."

"Maybe I'm a good luck charm," Martha brightly replies, her eyes glancing behind them to try and spot Marcus exiting the trail as well. Not immediately seeing him, her lips turn down. "So what does that mean then? Do we have to hike more?"

Her tone is blatantly weary and Shelby smiles at the obvious trepidation. "We’ll organize more condensed searches of the area, but nothing beyond what we've already been doing."

"Thank fuck," Toni mumbles, stretching her back out to pop some of the stiff knots forming after the long day. "I feel like I've aged ten years out here."

"Don't be a baby," the blonde drawls, "You spend half the hike eating and the other half complaining anyways."

" _Complaining_? I do not."

Shelby only nods condescendingly, leaning her chin on her hand. "Huge complainer. Worse than a Karen."

"Take that back immediately."

Toni doesn't notice as Martha finally spots Marcus and hops off the bench to make her way over to him. She's too easily distracted by Shelby's dry reply and how easy it is to get swept up in their banter yet again. Toni doesn't notice a lot of things that dinner. She doesn't notice how no one else joins them for the rest of meal, even when Shelby disappears briefly to grab her own plate of food. She doesn't notice the whispering gossip at the sight of the two of them alone. And she definitely doesn't notice the way Shelby's gaze lingers softly every time Toni looks away for a moment.

They spend the rest of dinner trading insults and witty remarks and Toni thinks that if Maya is riding passenger on the freeway, then Shelby is steering a motorcycle on a long open road. You have no choice but to give it your undivided attention, gripping for dear life as it takes you on the ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put a tentative chapter end date because that's what my notes say but may be slightly off. 
> 
> also, i do promise that it is shelby/toni endgame! I feel like I don't even showcase maya that much, but i'm sorry to anyone who was unprepared by the fact there's an oc that Toni get's with for a lil. 
> 
> I wrote this buzzed af and whenever i write a lil drunk i turn into John Green so sorry in advance!! <3
> 
> music rec: lost coastlines by okkervil river.


	10. With His Guiding Hand

By the time the bonfire starts that night, the entire campgrounds are buzzing with the fact there was a possible Big Foot lead. Toni stares in disbelief as Dave Goodkind jogs up to enter the circle, lit up from both the nearby flames and his overzealous enthusiasm.

"This is a big day, y'all, God has come down to point us on the right path," he beams and Toni exchanges a dry look with Dot from across the fire at his words, "And with his Guiding Hand, we _will_ find Big Foot and show the world the truth that we have known since the start."

"That they're fucking crazy?" Toni whispers to Martha, who's sitting at her side and listening politely. Martha elbows her in the ribs, shushing her, nervously glancing to her side where Marcus sits. The boy is nodding along to what Mr. Goodkind is preaching, but Toni can spot his eyes flickering around the campfire wearily like he'll be shot if he doesn't agree with the man. Toni snickers under her breath at his discomfort.

Her attention is drawn by Mr. Goodkind continuing to preach. "Starting tomorrow, we'll form condensed search parties for the Little Rock Trail and its neighboring areas." He lifts his hands up in encouragement, lowering his head in prayer, and holding his palms open to the night sky. Toni bites back a grimace. "Let the Lord guide us on this adventure and show us the way."

 _Are you fucking kidding me._ She looks around in astonishment, gauging who is actually bending their heads in the prayer. On her right, Shelby is watching diligently, clasping her hands together and lowering her head. As if feeling her stare, Shelby peeks one eye open, connecting her gaze with the brunettes and smirking at the disgusted face Toni must be wearing.

Toni widens her eyes with a " _what the fuck is this cult-like shit?_ " look to which the blonde replies with a twist of the lips and a " _shut up and be respectful_ " glare in return. The fact they're able to communicate without saying anything out loud now is a feat she'll keep to herself.

The bonfire doesn't last too long, which is lucky for Toni because she was one more prayer away from getting up and sacrificing herself to the bonfire just to get everyone to stop. Mr. Goodkind disbands them with one final speech of encouragement and Toni notices some of the other campers exchanging tired expressions, clearly annoyed as well with the overtly religious sentiments on display tonight.

She stands to stretch, about to leave this cursed space behind when a familiar hand grabs her wrist to pull her attention.

"Hey, Toni…" Martha has stood as well now, next to a clearly nervous Marcus. Toni takes a moment to size up the boy, who stands at only a couple of inches taller than her, but still towers over her petite friend. He's wearing large, chunky glasses, but when he smiles shyly at her, Toni can understand why Martha has fallen so fast. It's a boyish grin, just a touch sheepish, and it showcases how Marcus is obviously just a big ol' softie. "I want you to meet, Marcus. Marcus, this is my best friend, Toni. We've known each other since we were kids."

"Nice to meet you, Martha's mentioned you a lot." He sticks out his hand, nervous energy buzzing off of him in waves. Toni stares at it for a moment, letting him sweat, before a brief nudge from Shelby (who's standing next to her and watching this all go down with amusement) spurs her into action.

"Hey, dude, congrats on scoring Marty," Toni replies, taking his hand with a firm shake. "She's the best person I know." The ending sentence is laced with a clear threat: hurt her and I will _fuck you up._

He smiles back, relieved and only a little bit afraid, throwing an arm around a blushing Martha. He looks down at her friend, clearly proud of the girl he's started talking to.

"Don’t I know it." And with that simple admittance, Toni decides that she likes the boy, with his sweet energy that reminds her so much of Martha's gentle heart. It's what she loves most about the girl, her ability to love so purely, and if she's found her equal in that department then Toni is beyond happy. Now he just has to pass the test with the rest of the Blackburns.

It's silent for a moment before Shelby pipes in, clutching a hand over her heart. "Well, isn't that just the sweetest thing you've ever seen?" Her accent is slightly thicker and Toni glares at her, knowing she's being partially sarcastic. The blonde just beams back, unfazed by her dirty look, and sneaks in a quick wink when the couple isn't looking.

"We're going to go hang with the girls before the after-party, if you want to join?" Martha asks Toni, interlacing her fingers with Marcus's and swinging their joined hands between them.

"I have to head to my car to charge my phone and answer some emails, but I'll meet you guys in the clearing," Toni says, pulling her jacket closer around her body as the night air continues to chill.

Martha doesn't argue, just drags Marcus along with a quick goodbye to Toni. Shelby follows after the duo, shooting her a small smile as she departs as well. Toni watches them disappear into the trees as they make their way over to where Dot and the girls are chatting.

She turns away from them, starting the moderate trek back towards her car, using only a flashlight she swiped from Dot to guide her way. The trail is pretty even and she stumbles only once on a loose rock as she makes her way deeper into the forest.

A couple of steps into the darkness, she shivers as an odd feeling takes over her. An instinctual fear brushes against her skin, giving her goosebumps and causing her to still in her movements.

There's someone behind her.

She hears the crack of a branch and whips around to flash her light on the lone figure standing a few feet behind her.

Dave Goodkind's face illuminates, the harsh lighting distorts his image, creating dark shadows around the curves of his face and portraying him like an evil villain from an old campy horror movie. Toni can't help the startled yelp that escapes her mouth before she claps a hand over her mouth.

"Oh, dear!" Mr. Goodkind winces, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." He holds up as if to calm her down, but stays where he is.

Toni places a hand over her rapidly beating chest, trying to catch her breath. She takes in Mr. Goodkind's friendly face, zeroing in on his eyes that seem to appraise her with cold scrutiny.

Her tone is unfriendly as she replies, "Can I help you?" Because there's no way she's going to be polite when this man has followed her into the forest, while she's alone, and scared the crap out of her.

He takes a step forward and Toni instinctively steps back, wanting to keep the distance between them. Mr. Goodkind acknowledges this with an apologetic frown and doesn't try again. "I haven't had the chance to properly talk with you. You've already established yourself as such a valued member of the search party and I wanted to thank you for your involvement with finding the Big Footprint."

Alarm bells go off in her mind as he talks, his voice dripping with fake sincerity. She has seen firsthand how this man is, his impact on his own daughter, and Toni doesn't trust for a moment that he's seeking her out just to say thank you.

She clears her throat, visibly uncomfortable with the man standing before her, and not trying to hide it in the slightest. "It was nothing, Dot and Shelby did all the work."

"Ah," he responds, his tone amused like he knew she had no help but found it funny she confirmed it. His smile grows as he crosses his arms casually. "So where are you from, Toni? Minnesota?"

"Originally, but I've been hopping around to a bunch of different cities these past few years. I'm in Denver at the moment."

He whistles lowly. "That's swelling. Tell me, have you found it troublesome finding different parishes in each of your cities?" he asks, his gaze sharpening upon her lips thinning, "I know for myself and my family, it's always difficult finding a church with the right… qualifications for me."

Toni swallows, anger flaring up within her. So that's what this was about. 'Daddy' finally caught on to the fact that his daughter has made friends outside of his pre-approved list of associates. That on top of that, one of those friends is clearly an out lesbian, despite the fact that there are at least two other girls in that friend group alone who regularly hook up with each other right under his nose.

Toni clenches her jaw, matching his stare evenly, refusing to cower down to this man. "I'm actually not religious."

"Oh," he tsks in disappointment. "Well, I'm sorry to hear that."

This time, he does take a step forward, and Toni lets him, standing her ground. He stares down at her, his courteous mask perfectly in place, even as his eyes showcase the clear disapproval and dislike. "You know Dawn of Eve has a great entrance program for first-time believers. We can help you navigate your journey as you find God as an adult."

"That's very nice of you, Mr. Goodkind," Toni says through gritted teeth. "But I'm not interested."

She ends the sentence with a finality; a curt end of discussion. Mr. Goodkind pauses for a moment, searching her gaze. His eyes turn to faux-sympathy and pity oozes out of him to Toni's frustration.

"I hope you change your mind. It's a lonely life for those without faith."

He gives her shoulder a slight squeeze, trying to put on this persona of a concerned father, but the only impression it leaves with Toni is one of patronizing suffocation.

She smiles tightly. "I find my life to be very full."

"Do you?" His voice is dripping in doubt, coated with an extra layer of condescension.

It's such a simple dismissal to her happiness that even Toni finds herself questioning her worth at his words. He pats her shoulder for a final time with a sad smile before heading back to camp and leaving her behind feeling like she had lost whatever weird stand-off they were in.

She's so fucking angry as she follows his exit with her eyes, noticing the smugness interlaced in his strides, how he feels like he owns this camp and everyone who takes part in it. Toni hates him. Hates every man that has ever been like him. The ones who believe they're always right while refusing to listen to the opinions of others. Who feels the need to step on everyone to climb their way to some false sense of The Top.

Toni clenches her fist and lets out a low growl, turning on her heel to storm to her car and try to cool off.

_________

By the time she strolls up to the after-party, she is leagues less angry than before, but an undercurrent of vexation still bubbles beneath her skin. It took punching the backseat of her car multiple times to make any difference, picturing it was Dave Goodkinds' face the entire time, to finally grasp a sense of herself enough to venture outside her car.

The party is in full swing as she arrives and she clocks Martha and Marcus cuddled up to the side of the fire. She has officially lost her friend to the dark side, she thinks, resigning herself to watch Martha be disgustingly in-love for the rest of this trip.

A flash of blonde hair catches her attention and she notices Dot and Shelby laughing with each other by a cooler. She starts making her way over, navigating through the groups of bodies that dance around the stereo.

"Yo," she mumbles, reaching into the cooler and pulling out a beer. She needs a fucking drink after her encounter with Mr. Goodkind.

"Hey," Shelby says, brightening upon her arrival. She notices a shift in Toni's mood as she takes a swig of her beer. "You okay?"

"I'm fine. Just need to get drunk and then I'll be truly peachy." Toni sarcastically responds, chugging her beer until the bottle reaches empty. She tosses it into the recycling collection nearby before grabbing another one.

She ignores Shelby's concerned expression and turns to Dot. "How's business?"

Dot pauses, unsure if she should answer or press her friend on her mood, but replies nevertheless, "It's pretty good. People are celebrating the lead by doing a shit ton of pills which means it's a good day for me on both accounts."

"So you actually do believe all this shit then?" Toni says, surprising even herself with how harsh it comes out, "That Big Foot is real?"

The redhead frowns at the aggressive tone and even Shelby shifts uneasily. "Some of it, I suppose. I like the idea that in the world we live in, there are things that exist that we can't explain. Gives life a little adventure, you know?"

Toni pops open another beer. "So what's the difference between you believing in Big Foot and Shelby believing in God?" The words spit out of her like acid and she winces at herself upon hearing the hostility in her voice.

Dot looks to Shelby in bewilderment, not understanding what she did to piss Toni off. Hell, Toni doesn't even understand why she's coming on so strongly to her friend. She closes her eyes, taking in several deep breaths.

When she opens them again, she grimaces in apology at Dot. "Sorry, I'm just in a bad mood. I think I'm going to head to bed early tonight."

"Yeah, dude, no worries," Dot replies, still wary with the brunette.

Toni bends down to stuff a couple of beers into her jacket pockets, deciding the best course of action is to get drunk alone in Dot's tent to fix her terrible mood. She's not even a couple of steps away from Dot and Shelby before she feels the presence of the blonde next to her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Shelby asks simply.

Toni avoids her gaze. "It's nothing."

A finger reaches out to poke her hip, causing Toni to squirm away. Shelby adopts a voice like she's talking to a kindergartener. "Talking about our problems tends to help, I hear."

She swats at Shelby's hand, pausing in her movements at the edge of the forest. "Stop that. It's honestly stupid, I don't want to get into it."

Shelby doesn't say anything, just stuffs her hands in her pockets and waits expectantly. It comes off like Shelby already knows she's going to win this debate and while it pisses Toni off, it also causes her to open her mouth only seconds into the silence.

"Your Dad stopped me on my way to my car. Asked about my 'religious practices."

Shelby's mouth turns down and a harsh crease appears on her forehead. "He _what_?"

She lets out a frustrated groan. "It's just the way he responded, you know? Like I was this miserable heathen who could never have any happiness unless I was following the Lord's light," Toni bursts, waving her hands angrily, "He completely talked down to me and I just _let_ him like I'm not a full-blown adult and couldn't just stand up to that guy."

Shelby's silent as Toni rambles, her body closing within herself in discomfort at each word Toni spews. She bites her lip and looks away from the girl and Toni remembers with a start that the man she's complaining about is Shelby's father.

"Shit," Toni mumbles, some of the anger leaving her. "Sorry, I shouldn't be bitching about your Dad to you."

"No!" Shelby yelps, turning to look at her with wide eyes. "I'm glad you're getting this off your chest. Trust me, I know what he's like."

"But I shouldn't be telling it to you," Toni states, already boxing up her anger to store for when she's back in Dot's tent. "You should go back to the party, I'm fine, really."

She's moving to leave again, but Shelby holds her in place with a tight hold on her wrist. "Toni, stop."

Toni listens, stilling, not even trying to move out of Shelby's grasp. Their eyes connect as Toni waits for Shelby to say something next, but nothing comes out. The words seemed to have died in her mouth as her lips part and she stares at the brunette. For a moment Toni is positive her eyes flicker down to her lips. The movement strikes her with the realization of the close proximity between her and Shelby.

Toni has no clue what Shelby is going to do next. Whether she's going to say something or just continue staring at her, but she finds herself waiting with dull anticipation growing low in her stomach.

Shelby swallows thickly, licking her lips as her grip on Toni tightens minutely before-

"Toni!"

Shelby let's go of her immediately, taking a step backward with flushed cheeks. Toni swivels to spot Maya coming over towards them, a large smile on her cheeks, but her eyes keep cutting between the two girls.

"Hey, Maya," Toni says, eyes turning back to glance at Shelby who has shifted away from the brunette.

"Where you off to?" Maya asks once she reaches the two.

Toni shrugs. "I'm not feeling up to a party, so I thought I'd just head back to my tent."

"With, what looks like four beers stuffed into your jacket?" The girl responds in amusement, though her gaze towards Shelby is a little questioning.

"Nothing says a party like drinking alone." Maya gives her a small laugh and Toni doesn't know why she feels guilty as the three of them fall into another silence. "Well, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow."

"Wait, I'll walk you," Maya says, looping an arm through Toni's. "Bye, Shelby."

"Bye, y'all," Shelby whispers back.

Maya guides her away, launching into a story about some exciting thing that happened in the two hours between when they last saw each other. Toni chances a look back towards the party and her gaze connects with Shelby. The blonde waves half-heartedly, before turning and walking back towards the campfire.

Her stomach twists and when she looks back at Maya, it's with the determination to forget that sorrowful smile that was on Shelby's lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i KNOW, okay? don't be mad, i promise that it's a happy ending! but i fucking love yearning y'all
> 
> @trifowles on twitter if you'd like to yell at me :)


	11. She Looks Pissed At You

Toni spends the entire night after Maya drops her off at Dot’s tent trying to figure out why she feels so damn guilty. There is absolutely no reason for her to feel this way, but the image of Maya’s scrutinizing gaze and Shelby’s melancholy smile haunts her late into the night.

The next morning, she’s a complete zombie, and she crawls out of Dot’s tent with bleary eyes with large dark circles under them. Dot watches her stretch, her bones popping loudly as she reaches towards the sky, with one eyebrow propped up an inch. Toni meets her gaze steadily, waiting to see which one of them breaks first, a part of her nervous that Dot will kick her out of her tent for good at the way Toni acted towards her last night.

Dot caves. “Rough night? You look like shit.” Her tone is nonchalant, but there’s a slight edge to it that hints at annoyance. Dot is the type of person who doesn’t expect a verbal apology, but she knows she owes her one.

Toni groans, her head humming lowly. “Last night sucked.”

“Is this because you got solo drunk in my tent?” Dot says, “Which by the way, those empty beer cans lying about can attract bugs. Recycle them outside the tent next time.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Toni replies, feeling even worse because Dot is being nice enough to let her crash in her tent no strings attached, the least she could do is keep it moderately clean. “I don’t know why I’m feeling so weird. I’m sorry about last night too, I totally snapped at you, and you don’t deserve it.”

Some of the edge melts off of Dot’s shoulders as she shoots her a thankful glance. She waves off the brunette. “We’re all allowed to be in a shit mood sometimes. It’s no big deal, but I appreciate the apology.”

Toni cracks her knuckles a couple of times, nervous energy still buzzing inside her, but relieved the girl’s not trying to press the subject. She rubs at her eyes, debating if she should take a shower right now or later when she hears the crunching footsteps of someone approaching.

“Hey, Toni,” a voice says and Toni opens her eyes to see a fully well-rested Maya smiling at her. It’s a different smile than usual, not as excited, more reserved. “Can I steal you for a moment?”

“Sure,” she replies, saluting Dot goodbye before following Maya’s already retreating figure away from camp. She doesn’t know if it’s the already budding dread growing in her stomach or if it’s instinct from years in the system because something is telling her she’s not going to like this conversation.

Maya guides her out of the campgrounds and down a path until they’re stepping over a log and standing next to a lazy river stream. The chef sits down on a nearby boulder and Toni tentatively follows, shooting her wary looks all the while. Her legs begin bouncing up and down and she wishes she could avoid this conversation and go on a long run to get the anxious energy out of her. Maya reaches out to lay a steady hand on her knee and her legs go still.

“So,” Maya drawls, “I was thinking we should stop this thing we have.”

She says it simply, so casually, that Toni fumbles for a moment. She doesn’t know why she didn’t expect this and quickly swallows down the bitter hurt that rises. Whether it’s by a foster family, her bio mom, a lover, or friend, Toni Shalifoe always gets left behind. She hates that it still surprises her, but it does.

“Sure, no problem,” she mutters, looking away from Maya and inwardly cursing the fact her eyes are prickling. It’s so fucking stupid, Toni thinks, she’s only known Maya for a couple of days tops and it’s not even serious, but she has never handled rejection well.

“Wait, hey,” Maya whispers, pulling Toni’s attention so the brunette is meeting her eyes. “It’s not because I don’t like you, okay? You’re very sweet, and cute, and funny.”

Her lips turn down. “But?”

Maya takes a deep breath, her eyes flickering away for a moment before meeting hers again with a dejected shadow in them. “But I’m not a placeholder while you figure out your real feelings."

Toni’s face goes slack as she repeats her words in her head again. “What?”

“Come on, Toni,” Maya rolls her eyes, laughing a little under her breath. “I saw you and Shelby yesterday. I’d be blind to not notice how you two are around each other, in general."

“We’re friends, I guess if you could even call it that.”

“You like her.” Maya holds up her hands at Toni’s gaping expression. “And that’s okay! I mean, we’re not exclusive by any means, you don’t owe me an apology or explanation. But I’m twenty-seven, I have my shit figured out, I’m not looking to be a rest stop for the real thing. I want to be the real thing for someone.”

Toni doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t even know what she could say at this moment. If she denies liking Shelby, Maya won’t believe her. And at the same moment, does she want to convince Maya to be with her? She’ll be going to Boston at the end of the two weeks, without looking back. Maybe this ending before it truly begins is a good thing. Now no one is too attached when they have to call it quits.

Maya continues talking as Toni thinks. “I do think you’re really cool though and if you ever need a job in Seattle, I’m sure I can hook you up. Or hell, come by for free food sometime, okay?”

Toni only nods, too stunned about the turn in events to say anything else. She stays still as Maya hugs her, patting her back the same way you'd hug your elderly Grandma. She murmurs a goodbye as she lifts herself off the boulder, moving to leave Toni by the stream alone.

Watching Maya walk away spurs her with one last thought.

“Wait!” Maya glances back, surprised. “Can I have your apple pie recipe?”

There’s a beat as Maya gawks at her before she barks out a quick laugh. “Apple pie? I don’t bake, Toni.”

Toni stands from the rock, stuffing her hands in her pockets as she frowns. “I saw you boxing up the apple pie earlier this week, when we first met?”

Maya is silent, clearly bewildered before realization lights up her face and her expression smooths into soft amusement. “Oh, Toni. No, it’s not mine.”

Toni wants to follow up, but Maya is already striding away with only a wink left towards Toni. Toni watches her go, a part of her bummed out that she missed a chance to seriously be with the chef, but if she’s being honest with herself she would never be able to commit the way Maya wants to be committed to.

She’s meant to be alone in this world, and Big Foot knows she has enough evidence to back her up on this theory.

__________________

Toni arrives late to breakfast, sliding in next to Martha and across from Leah with a forlorn expression. Martha immediately clocks it and pauses mid-fork to her mouth.

“What’s wrong?”

Upon hearing the worry in her voice, Toni can’t help but throw an arm around her friend and hug her tightly. Martha yelps, dropping her fork on her plate, before hugging Toni back. For the umpteenth time, Toni thanks her luck that Martha was able to forgive her again and let her be back in her life. The past five years have been a blur of chaotic jobs, meaningless friendships and one-night-stands, and more loneliness than she cares to admit.

The simple act of having someone notice you’re sad and caring enough to ask is something Toni has missed ever since she stepped foot on that bus towards New Orleans.

“Nothing,” Toni mutters, disengaging from Martha and ruffling her hair. “Maya dumped me.”

“Can you be dumped if you were barely together?” Nora asks dryly, from her spot next to Leah.

Leah immediately nods. “Oh yeah.” Her face becomes darker as she gets lost in an old memory, only breaking out of it by Fatin nudging her with a pointed expression.

“Hm, I feel like we shouldn’t ask you to expand on that…” Nora trails off. She looks back to Toni with her usual curious expression. “So you liked her then?”

“Well, yeah, but I don’t know,” Toni replies, scratching the back of her neck. “It was never going to work long-term anyway, but being rejected is never the _best_ feeling.”

“Aw, she does have emotions,” Fatin coos, eating a bite of _the_ apple pie that Toni zeros in on. “Oh fuck no, back off, this slice is mine. If you won’t share with me, I sure as hell won’t share with you.”

“Fine, bitch,” Toni mumbles, despite a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She slides out of the table and makes her way over to the large buffet. Toni’s pretty late to breakfast, so most of what she usually enjoys is gone. To her utter dismay, even the last of the apple pie has been taken by these greedy motherfuckers.

She sighs as she stares in mourning at the empty dish. This day couldn’t get any worse.

“Here,” she hears beside her and watches as two hands push a slice of apple pie on her plate. Toni looks to her left to see Shelby staring at her in amusement. “I saved you one.”

Her stomach does a tiny flip at the gesture and Toni swallows. “Thanks.”

Shelby shrugs, her attention going back to placing her now-empty dish on the cleaning tray. Toni watches her do this quietly but quickly looks away when Shelby shoots her a glance.

“So you and Maya ended things, huh?” Shelby asks, her voice casual.

Toni lowly groans. “How did that circulate so fast?” She takes a large bite of her apple pie to calm her nerves, the taste still exploding within her mouth even though it has gone cold by now.

“I was sitting next to Martha, Toni,” the blonde replies.

“Oh.”

“It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it,” She says, shooting Toni a supportive look. The brunette bites her lip and fidgets with her plate, Maya’s words echoing in her mind.

Upon remembering the girl, Toni’s eyes sweep around the collection of picnic tables until they connect with the girl in question. Maya is looking back, her eyes shifting back between her and Shelby, and Toni flushes under her gaze. The chef’s face breaks into a smile and with a smirk, she throws up a thumbs up.

Toni can _feel_ the heat crawling up her neck. How did she go from making out with the girl not even two days ago to her practically encouraging her to go after someone else? Lesbians, she inwardly sighs.

Toni clears her throat, ignoring Shelby’s curious stare, and begins walking backward away from the girl. “I should go, thanks for the pie.”

She misses Shelby’s disappointed frown and she swiftly makes her way back towards her table to join the girls again. Martha stares at her as she dives into her food with even more gusto than normal for the brunette.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Martha asks, leaning her chin on her hand and watching Toni chow down with fondness.

Toni shakes her head.

Martha hums. “We can talk about it on the hike.”

Swallowing, Toni grumbles, “I thought I said I didn’t want to talk about it.” Martha gives her a dry look, one leg already sliding out of the table.

“When has that stopped me before?”

__________________

Toni tries to avoid Martha, heading early to the hike to get a position in the group far away from her friend. A tiny part of herself debates joining the West Search Party to steer clear from her completely, but then she’d be in the presence of Dave Goodkind and that is definitely not a possibility. So she tries to put as many bodies in between her and Martha as possible. She glances back, noticing Martha jumping on her feet to try and look over the thick crowd of people that stand between them. Their gaze connects, and Toni whips around quickly to avoid the dark glare her friend shoots her.

Martha shouldn’t be surprised, Toni thinks, she has a history of avoiding any type of deep conversations. Sophomore year, when Toni first met Regan, she skirted around that issue with Martha for a good two months before the girl locked her in a closet at a party to fish for details between the two. Hell, it took Toni five years to reach out to Martha after their friendship dissolved, she knows how to avoid complicating subjects.

Not that she and Shelby are even complicated. It’s actually surprisingly simple. They’re friends. Like how she and Dot, Fatin, and Leah have become friends. Well, maybe not _exactly_ like that because there is some difference between Shelby than the rest of the girls. But, that’s only because Shelby is more annoying than the rest of them. The blonde has the ability to crawl under Toni’s skin and shake up everything she has originally thought to be true. She can match Toni’s energy completely, causing them to enter a weird tango of either mutual dislike or snarky affection.

A small force slams into her side and she stumbles, jutting out a leg to stabilize them both. Toni glares down at the figure, relaxing only slightly upon realizing it’s Martha panting lightly.

“What the hell, Marty?”

“Got you!” Martha yells. The girl breaks away from Toni with a scowl. “You were trying to avoid me. Which means something is seriously on your mind.”

Toni looks behind them as people start passing them by. She spots the girls approaching them steadily and locks gazes with Shelby, who's advancing towards them with a tentative smile.

Making a decision, she grabs Martha’s wrist and drags her into the forest and off the hiking trail. Martha doesn’t put up any fight as she allows Toni to rush them away from any other living soul.

After Toni feels they’re sufficiently far away enough away from the hiking group, she drops Martha’s hand and steps back from her.

Her friend crosses her arms, looking Toni up and down with a grimace. “Jeez, you really do look stressed. Did you sleep at all last night?”

“Kind of,” Toni mumbles, before shaking her head, “Not really.”

“And that was _before_ Maya dumped you? What happened?”

“Nothing!” Toni scowls, her voicing rising in a way that causes her to cringe. She sounds crazy. “That’s the problem, nothing happened, but then Maya is saying all these things and I feel weirdly anxious all day. I think I’m going crazy.”

“What did Maya say?”

Toni ignores her. “And she didn’t even make the apple pie, Marty! So now I’ll never know the recipe for it and I’ll leave here knowing I’ll never have that delicious pie again.” She starts pacing around the small patch of grass, picking up spare branches to throw away from her path.

Martha watches her ramble with a sympathetic if borderline pitiful, expression. “You’re spiraling.”

“I know,” Toni sighs, slumping against a log. “It’s the Big Foot shit, the crazy is infecting me.”

Martha lets out a tiny laugh, sitting beside Toni with a soft look. “What did Maya say, Toni?”

She waits a moment. “She thinks I have feelings for Shelby.”

Martha doesn’t reply, just hums softly. Toni turns to gauge her reaction, startled to see her being frighteningly calm.

“What, nothing to say?” Toni asks, shifting her body to face Martha more fully. “Isn’t that the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard?”

Martha shrugs. “Not really, I could see it.”

“ _How_ could you see it? Shelby is… Shelby,” Toni fumbles. “She’s peppy and annoying, and _difficult_ … and…” Toni tries to think of another adjective, but every insult that pops into her mind is immediately vetoed. Nothing seems to stick.

Martha watches her stumble with her words awkwardly in delight. She tips her head back with a laugh and Toni’s glare deepens in a way she didn’t know was possible.

“Sorry, it’s just…” Martha shakes her head, biting her lip. “Ever since Regan, I feel like you’ve just distracted yourself to the point of being incapable of feeling anything real again. Whenever you came home for the holidays, you were so _quiet_.”

She turns to Toni with a smile so large it overcomes her face. “But whenever you argue with Shelby, you look just as alive as you did when you were 17. And I really missed that Toni.”

The words hit Toni straight in the stomach and she surges forward to hug Martha, realizing with stark clarity that while Toni has missed her desperately these past five years, perhaps Martha has missed her for even longer.

“I don’t deserve anything good, Marty,” Toni whispers, clutching her best friend tighter. “Not after what I did to Regan. I can’t.”

Martha squeezes her. “You do, Toni, I promise you do.”

She lets her go, looking troubled. Martha reaches out to gently flatten her hair, similar to how she did when they were younger and Martha was determined to give Toni a makeover at every sleepover they had. “Maybe you don’t know exactly how you feel this second, but don’t be scared to figure it out. The good can just be good, sometimes, okay?”

Toni nods and she knows she must look like a pouting five-year-old because Martha chuckles fondly and grabs her hand, pulling her to stand up.

“You should wake up early tomorrow to go to the kitchens. Like sunrise early.”

Toni makes a face. “Yeah, fuck that.”

Martha nudges her. “I promise you won’t regret it,” she sings.

“Why would I want to see Maya? How would that help?”

Martha rolls her eyes to the sky, muttering under her breath. “You won’t see Maya, okay? Just go.”

Toni agrees reluctantly, not knowing how she’s going to be able to wake up that early for some secret mission from Martha, but she’ll do anything for the girl so that’s a future Toni problem. They rejoin the hiking trail, far behind the rest of the group due to their chat, but the both of them don’t mind. Content to just link arms and spend the rest of the day catching up some more with only the two of them.  
________________

She doesn’t know how she does it, but she successfully avoids Shelby for the rest of the day. She eats dinner away from the group, joining a random table in the back that consists of some hardcore Big Foot enthusiasts who spend the entire time strategizing for tomorrow’s search.

Toni realizes early in that if you get past the fact they 100% believe in Big Foot, they’re actually pretty cool people. One of them, Red, spends about ten minutes shit-talking Mr. Goodkind that has Toni belly-laughing at his impression of the overly peppy man that screams insincerity.

“So, Toni, how come you’re at one of these things?,” Linda, a retired Geology teacher who has been searching for Big Foot for over two decades, “Cause no offense, you don’t seem like the type who’d believe in this shit.”

Toni sets down her water bottle, debating how to go about this. “Well, I originally thought this was a cult, so when I heard my sister Marty joined,” she points over to a couple of tables away from there where Martha is staring back with a comically confused expression, “I came to save her. Then I learned it was just a Big Foot search party, but I was too stubborn to leave by then.” She waves at Martha, who’s now shaking her at her in exasperation.

“She looks pissed at you,” Tommy replies, cracking open a beer despite the frowned upon rules against it.

“She thinks I’m avoiding my problems by sitting here.”

Red hums. “Does your problems have anything to do with Shelby Goodkind walking over here?”

Toni whips around and, Red’s right, spots Shelby striding over towards them with a wide smile. She stands to the left of Toni, right behind her, but addresses the table first.

“Hey, y’all,” Shelby drawls, “Toni, I see you found the true Vet group. These folks have been searching for Big Foot long before Dawn of Eve got involved.”

“So they’ve told me,” Toni awkwardly mumbles, refusing to glance back at the blonde. She can feel Shelby’s frown at the lack of attention and she swears she spots Red smirking, the bastard.

“Shelby, when is your father going to get it through his skull that no one likes those hymns of his except the six friends he brought along?” Tommy grouches, taking a sip of his beer.

Shelby laughs, reaching out to grab onto one of Toni’s shoulders, and she curses herself for dying a little inside. “You’re not a fan of Andrew’s singing?”

“Don’t get me started on _that_ idiot,” Tommy mumbles back, his mustache twitching in anger.

Toni shifts uncomfortably at the warm hold Shelby has on her and, as if sensing her nerves, the blonde gives a tiny little squeeze. It doesn’t help things.

“I’ll pass the message along,” Shelby states, before looking down towards Toni, “Do you mind if I steal you for a second? I have something for you.”

Toni winces and shoots up from the table. Shelby’s hand falls from her side, hanging limply near her hip, as Toni steps away from her clumsily.

“I can’t,” Toni replies, before grimacing at how insensitive it sounds, “I mean, I would, obviously. But I can’t. I have to make some work calls before the party so I should be going actually.”

She turns to wave goodbye to Tommy, Linda, and Red who are watching her with a spectrum of glee and pity. “Thanks for letting me sit with you guys. See you around.”

“Toni?”

She hears Shelby say behind her, tone baffled and hurt, but she’s already several paces away. Toni passes by Martha’s table, where all the girls are watching her (Fatin laughing against Dot’s side) and Martha is cradling her head in her hands as her eyes follow Toni’s retreating figure.

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

Toni chants the entire walk to her car where she wastes the rest of the night browsing her phone and groaning in embarrassment at the display back there. She curses Martha and Maya for planting these terrible seeds in her mind that she has feelings for Shelby. A girl who is the anthesis of everything she is, who would never like Toni back in a million years, and on the off chance she even did would spend their entire relationship in the closet with her family.

She can’t like Shelby Goodkind. She refuses to.

____________________________

The next morning, Toni’s alarm goes off at the crack of dawn just as Martha suggested. Dot swears at her in at least a dozen different languages as Toni rushes to turn it off. She dresses silently, apologizing profusely to Dot, before climbing out of the tent. The dark circles under her eyes are just as bad as the day before, given that she spent the entire night tossing and turning, lost in thought.

She walks silently towards the Ranger Center, going over yesterday repeatedly and trying to determine the best course of action on how to avoid Shelby for the rest of the trip and smother any potential feelings she may have.

The thought lasts about three seconds after she enters the Ranger Center to find Shelby gaping at her in surprise, hands covered in flour, and fresh apples laying cut up next to where her fingers prepare the pie dough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have loved all your enthusiasm/questions about the apple pie bit, but I spent all of it laughing because if you check the very first chapter notes i say "hey this fic is loosely based off apple pie by lizzy mcalpine" LMAO
> 
> this chapter was fun to write because i love the idea of toni REFUSING to admit she likes shelby. 
> 
> music rec: ok now i suggest relistening to apple pie by lizzy mcalpine


	12. Are You Okay To Drive?

_“Toni, you going tonight?”_

_Toni drains the last of her water bottle and turns to see her teammate sliding up next to her with a grin. Lara looks completely uncomfortable in her dark green dress and keeps shifting in it in discomfort. Her mom’s a complete conservative and would have thrown a fit to see her daughter at prom wearing anything other than a silly ball gown. Toni is thankful for the first time that her foster parents don’t give a shit about her enough to let her wear whatever she wants, which is why she’s rocking the navy blue suit with a pretty revealing cut that has earned her multiple dirty looks from her teachers._

_“Yeah, Regan and I will meet you all there,” Toni replies, her eyes beginning to scan the crowd for her girlfriend. She quickly spots Regan in the middle of the dance floor, holding hands with Martha and twirling her around. Martha is meeting her grin with an equally dazzling beam, both of their faces lit up in happiness. Toni’s heart clenches as she stares at her two favorite people. If the rest of her life is this, then she’d be way luckier than she ever thought she’d be._

_“Sweet, see you there. Try not to be late just cause you’re boning your girlfriend,” Lara jibes, pushing Toni lightly and walking away back to where her date is gathering their coats._

_The after-party is at someone from the basketball team's house. Her parents reluctantly agreed to them completely take over the basement and word has quickly spread that it’s where you can crash for the night after drinking._

_Despite the fact someone has spiked the punch two minutes into the dance, Toni has stayed sober since she’s driving her and Regan to the party. She tosses her empty water bottle into the recycling bin and makes her way over to where her girls are dominating the dance floor, roughly pushing past people with her elbows._

_“Hey,” Toni drawls, wrapping her arms around Regan’s waist and smiling when the girl immediately sinks into her chest, “You guys ready to head out? The party’s starting soon.”_

_Martha turns behind her, searching for her own date, a shy boy that asked her a couple of weeks ago, despite the fact they’ve never talked before. “Yeah! Let me go find Randy. I’ll meet you there!”_

_“Want us to wait for you?” Regan asks lightly, as her fingers weaving through Toni’s. Martha just shakes her head, giving them a farewell wave and a slightly tipsy-blown kiss. Toni watches her friend go with a smile, before disengaging from Regan and leading her over to where their coats are._

_They leave the dance holding hands, walking into the brisk Minnesotan air with matching grins. Regan swings their hands lightly, her face tipped up towards the sky. “Any constellations out tonight?”_

_Toni peers up, trying to make out the different tiny white dots. “Just Orion, I think.”_

_Regan leans into her, looking towards Toni with a fond look. “And what’s Orion’s story?” It’s a common question Regan asks her, to expand on Toni’s surprisingly large knowledge of constellations. Her mother had told them to her throughout her childhood, on their many camping trips and long hikes together in between rehab stints. Regan began asking her about them once Toni opened up about it and just like that the sour memory of the stars became something new with each story she told the girl. Regan had that ability with Toni, hell, with most people._

_“Nothing exciting. He was said to be one of the greatest hunters in existence. So much so, that Artemis, the Goddess of the Hunt fell in love with him. But her twin brother couldn’t handle that, so he killed Orion out of jealousy. Artemis begged Zeus to put him in the stars as a Constellation, just so she could still see him every night.”_

_Regan frowns. “That’s depressing. But very romantic.”_

_Toni looks to her side at Regan. “You think? What’s so romantic about being murdered in a fit of jealousy.”_

_“No, you idiot,” Regan replies with a fond grin, “It’s romantic that she could look up in the stars each night and be reminded of her lost lover. It’s eternal.”_

_“And cheesy,” Toni states dryly, before getting pushed again by Regan. They’re almost to Regan’s car, but the girl pulls Toni to a stop in the nearly empty parking lot of their high school. Regan leans forward so their foreheads are resting against each other._

_“You’re headed to Oregon for college and I’m headed to Chicago. We won’t see each other as much…” Regan says softly and Toni twists her lips to stop the frown from emerging. She hates thinking about their upcoming separation after graduation. “So I want you to pick a constellation. And whenever you see it, you’ll think of me, okay? And I you.”_

_“That’s lame.”_

_Toni lets out a yelp as Regan pinches her side roughly, not trying to hide the laugh that creeps out too._

_“Pick one!” Regan yells jokingly, glaring slightly. Toni rubs her wounded hip with a pout, but in her head, she already knows exactly what constellation she’s going to choose._

_“Cassiopeia.”_

_“Who?”_

_Toni stands behind Regan, reaching around to lightly grab her wrist and use it to point to the sky. She traces the outline of Cassiopeia softly with Regan’s finger._

_“Cassiopeia. She was said to be one of the most beautiful princesses in Greek mythology.” Toni presses a kiss lightly against the crown of Regan’s hair. “And the vainest.”_

_Regan jabs her with her elbow and Toni lets out another cry of pain that brings an amused smile onto Regan’s lips. The brunette is staring back at her with an enamored expression and Toni matches it easily, her heart so full of love that she fears nothing will ever top this moment._

_Regan reaches out to grab onto Toni’s neck and pulls her into a searing kiss. She returns it with a delighted sigh._

_“I love you, Toni,” Regan whispers against her lips. Toni’s heart soars._

_“I love you so fucking much.”_

_“Woo, woo! Slip her some tongue!”_

_Toni and Regan break apart with a startled jump. Toni turns to see two couples exiting the High School, the boys shouting out catcalls and crude whistles that has Toni clenching her fists painfully against her side. Regan stares down at her fists with a concerned, weary frown, and they both try to ignore their classmates in vain._

_The girls in the group are awkwardly avoiding their gazes, but the boys are whooping and hollering at them. They both nudge each other with large smirks._

_“Ay, Shalifoe! Kiss her again!” One of the boys calls out and Toni recognizes him as Simon Peters from the boy’s basketball and football team. A total asshole who never got over the fact she turned him down in eighth grade for, you know, being a fucking lesbian. His friend, Ryan, grins and does a movement with his hips that has Toni growling and stepping forward. Regan reaches out to pull her back, both hands firmly wrapped around Toni’s arm._

_“Let’s go, Toni,” Regan says, her voice hard. “Please. You’ve promised.”_

_And though the anger is coursing through Toni so fast and painfully that all Toni wants to do is just release it, she lets herself be dragged towards Regan’s car without any fight. They had broken up before because of Toni’s anger and there is no way she is going to risk losing Regan again just because of stupid homophobic jocks._

_Toni slides into the driver’s seat with a frustrated sigh, with Regan slipping into the passenger seat nervously. She slams her hand on the steering wheel twice before turning it on roughly._

_“Are you okay to drive?” Regan asks, her tone uneasy._

_“Of course,” Toni snaps back, “You were the one drinking.”_

_Regan stays silent, biting her lip, and Toni pulls out of the high school violently, adding shame to her anger for snapping at her girlfriend. She barely stops at the stop sign and turns onto the main road with her blood boiling. They drive for a couple of moments before Toni realizes the headlights shining brightly behind them._

_“What the fuck?” Toni mutters, causing Regan to turn back and groan._

_“It’s Simon and Ryan.”_

_Toni swears and speeds up a little, ignoring Regan’s anxious glance. The car behind them speeds up as well and Toni can see that their front bumper is only inches away from Regan’s rear._

_“Fucking assholes,” Toni grits out, break-checking lightly to scare them._

_“Toni! Be careful!” Regan is gripping the handles of the car in fear as the car behind them starts honking incessantly. They have rolled down their windows as well, with Ryan leaning out and making crude gestures. Fucking children._

_Toni spots an upcoming street and makes a snap decision, pulling the wheel harshly to the right and turning down a dirt road, hopefully away from the jocks. She let’s out a sigh as she sees their Jeep sail past the road. It only lasts for a moment before the car is reversing and following them once again._

_“Fuck!” Toni yells, pressing down on the gas again and punching her seat. Regan casts troubled looks towards both Toni and the car behind them, her grip tightening around the handle. She reaches out to set a comforting hand on Toni’s arm but the brunette can barely feel it._

_“Just pull over and let them pass!”_

_Toni slams her foot down on the gas. “No way! They’ll just pull over and harass us. Fuck them.”_

_“Toni, seriously, slow down. They’re only being assholes.”_

_And while Toni wants to, and knows she should, she can’t. She has spent her entire life dealing with this anger. This deep-rooted, all-consuming, red-hot anger that when it takes over, she’s completely vulnerable to its whims. It’s a fog that lays over her brain, clouding any rational decisions she should make, until she’s acting only on an animalistic rage. It’s gotten her into more trouble than she can count, but for some reason, it just keeps winning._

_She grips the wheel tighter and urges the car to go faster, focusing on the road in front of them and stupid fucking jeers from the car behind them. They honk louder and louder, inching their car more towards them until they’ve bumped lightly against Regan’s car._

_“Jesus!” Toni shouts as they are jostled lightly._

_The speedometer ticks higher and higher: 40.. 50..60._

_“Toni, seriously, this is a dirt road you need to slow down!” She can faintly hear Regan scream but her eyes are firmly on the rearview mirror and the faint silhouettes of those laughing assholes._

_65…70…_

_“Toni! Watch out!”_

_Her gaze snaps back in front of her where a curved bend has appeared out of nowhere and a large tree is directly in front of their path. She tries to turn sharply, but the car smashes against the bark and she can hear Regan’s scared scream._

_Her vision goes to black._

________________________________

Toni and Shelby spend approximately eleven seconds staring at each other in silence.

Both are completely still. Toni, with one hand on the door, a foot about to step through the entryway, gaping. And Shelby, meeting her gaze with a similar open mouth and her hands completely caked in flour and pie filling.

Realization falls on the both of them as Shelby jumps with a loud, “Toni!” and Toni closes the door at the sound, standing in front of it still in shock.

It then takes her another four seconds to realize she can’t just stand in front of the door to the kitchens for the rest of her life, no matter how much she’d like to in this moment, and pushes it back open. Shelby has rushed around the counter, apparently about to run after her, but she skids to a halt at the sight of Toni back in the open doorway.

“I feel like I just found out Santa Claus isn’t real,” Toni breaks the silence.

Shelby gawks before cracking a smile. “I’ll take that as a compliment about my pie.” She falls silent again, watching Toni carefully, her eyes darting across the girl’s face for any sign of anger or betrayal.

Toni finally enters the kitchen, shutting the door softly behind her. The soft thud echoes throughout the room and Shelby hesitates for a moment until she’s sure that Toni won’t run off again, before heading to the kitchen sink to rinse off all the ingredients sticking to her hands. She wipes them dry with a spare towel as Toni shifts on her feet awkwardly, waiting silently even as her thoughts raced wildly.

It’s not like Shelby owes her an explanation. Sure, Toni has made some pretty embarrassing comments about this pie, but that doesn’t mean Shelby was required to divulge to her the truth behind the recipe to her. If anything, this just proves to Toni what she means to the blonde. Clearly, Shelby didn’t think of them as close enough friends to discuss the subject, despite it being maybe the only thing they moderately have in common.

Shelby takes a cautious step towards her, her slow movements making Toni feel like she’s a wild animal being lured towards her death. “So the secrets out I guess.”

Toni goes for the nonchalant route, following her lead. “I didn’t know you baked.”

“A hobby I picked up in college. Helped a lot with stress.” Shelby replies, picking at a stain on her apron.

“I feel the same way about cooking,” Toni replies, “Something about a chaotic kitchen, all the cooks bustling about, the swearing, it reminds me of sports.”

Shelby relaxes slightly. “I like that baking is quiet. It’s personal and precise, with no room for errors or creativity. If you do it right, you’ll get results.”

Toni smiles at this, taking in how Shelby looks with her floral apron and a messy bun. She can picture the blonde waking up early in Seattle, moving about her kitchen (she bets it’s decorated to the max), and peacefully baking breakfast. As fast as the image comes to her, does she try and squash it out. She needs to stop daydreaming of Shelby in different scenarios, it’s getting out of hand and a dangerous path to go down.

She darts her eyes towards the exit, opening her mouth to let out an excuse to leave and clear her thoughts when Shelby interrupts her with a blunt statement.

“You’re avoiding me.”

Toni splutters. “Me? No, not at all. Why do you think that?” Her obvious flailing is not helping her case and by the hurt shone in Shelby’s eyes, the girl doesn’t believe her at all.

“It’s whatever if you are, Toni, I just thought…” Shelby swallows, looking away from her to hide the insecurity present all over her face. “I thought we were getting along that’s all.”

Toni closes her eyes briefly, as white-hot shame courses through her. It’s not right for her to be a complete dick towards the blonde just because of her own confused feelings. It’s not fair to take it out on the girl when her only crime has been simply existing.

“We are getting along, I’m sorry,” Toni says, running a hand roughly through her hair. “It’s not you, I promise, I’ve just been overwhelmed by a lot of things lately. I’ve been kinda avoiding everyone.”

It’s a lie, but hopefully, it’s a nice lie that will cause Shelby to stop blaming herself, and then Toni can get her shit together. The blonde carefully analyzes her, looking for any hints of deceit. A faint line of doubt is etched into her forehead and Toni sighs.

She decides for truth. At least partially.

“I’m not good… with getting close to people,” Toni admits, her hands immediately reaching in front of her to start fiddling with her fingers. “I’ve never really been.”

Shelby’s face softens and after a long painful moment, where Toni is dying in mortification inside, her lips quirk up in amusement. “That’s okay. I kinda knew that already, you’re very off-putting.”

Toni rolls her eyes. “Fuck off.” A small smile breaks out without warning though and Shelby matches it cheerfully.

Shelby motions her head towards the oven. “Come on, idiot, I’ll let you have the first slice of the pie.”

Toni’s face breaks into a genuine grin. “Holy shit, really?”

The blonde stares back for a beat, before nodding. “Yeah. Really.”

____________

They walk back to camp together after that, with Toni having to literally duck behind a tree to avoid running into Maya walking towards the Ranger Center to prepare breakfast.

Shelby watches her do this with a raised eyebrow, but doesn’t question it further which Toni is thankful for. She wouldn’t mind seeing Maya, but having Maya see her with _Shelby_ while she’s holding a slice of apple pie in each hand? Might not be the best idea and a recipe for teasing from the Chef.

They stroll up to camp and are greeted by a groggy Martha rubbing her eyes tiredly as she sits on a log bench in the middle of the camp. The brunette peers at the both of them with sleep-filled eyes.

“Never a morning person, are you Marty?” Toni says with a loving pat on the head. Martha swats at her hand.

“Just give me a moment and I’ll be good,” the girl responds around a large yawn.

Shelby lets out a small laugh before hip-checking Toni. “I’m gonna go see Dot about today’s hunt. If I try and sit with you at breakfast, will you ditch me again?”

“I don’t know,” Toni responds teasingly, “Red, Linda, and Tommy might be expecting me…”

Shelby only smirks. “Then I’ll join you there.” And with that, she brushes past the brunette and heads over to where Dot is rolling out of her tent clumsily.

Toni watches her go for a moment before turning back to where Martha is staring at her with narrowed eyes. The girl’s eyes dip down to see Toni’s hands gripping two apple pie slices. Toni takes a bite casually, avoiding her gaze.

“So?” Martha says.

“So what?” Toni responds, suddenly becoming super interested in the sight of Andrew tuning his guitar terribly across the camp.

“ _So what?!_ ” Martha repeats, “You’re holding _the_ apple pie, and Shelby was just flirting with you!”

“She wasn’t flirting with me,” Toni murmurs, her eyes cutting to where the blonde is laughing with Dot, her eyes crinkled and carefree. “Shelby barely likes me as a friend.”

Martha reaches out like she wants to shake her before dropping her arms with a sigh. “Are _you_ at least going to admit, that _you_ like _her_?”

Toni spares another glance towards Shelby, pleasantly surprised to see the blonde peeking over towards her as well. They stare at one another for a brief moment, barely a millisecond, before the blonde breaks it with a soft smile. Toni’s gaze lingers for a moment more, taking in the soft curves of Shelby’s frame and how her hair seems to shine under the morning light. Without her noticing at all, Shelby Goodkind has snuck under her carefully crafted walls and wormed her way into her heart and brain. It was done so slowly that Toni can not even recall the first moment her attraction towards the blonde began.

_“Why, I’m Shelby Goodkind, pleasure to meet you. I’m the one who invited Martha on this trip. I assume you’re her childhood friend, Toni?”_

_“I wanted to thank you for earlier.”_

_“Don’t know why you have to be rude when I was being perfectly friendly.”_

_"Thanks, Becca. I love you, you know that, right?"_

_"I do a rigorous workout and detox routine that pretty much prevents me from getting hungover."_

_“Here I thought my sunny personality was finally winning you over."_

_"I don't think she realized it, but whenever she'd tell stories about her childhood or high school, you were always in them. Every one."_

_“I work for a foundation in Seattle. It's focused on Suicide Prevention and Mental Health."_

_"I'm gay!"_

_"Here, I have a leftover orange in there."_

_“I saved you one.”_

_"The person I end up with will understand that it's not possible."_

Flashes of Shelby whir through her mind until she’s closing her eyes in frustration to block them out. Despite every atom in her being telling her it’s a bad idea, Toni has found herself crushing on the girl. And that realization has crashed down upon her with a heaviness that has Toni feeling like she’s sinking into the dirt below. Pure fear wells up within her.

“Yeah,” Toni let out, the words falling out like a sigh, “I like Shelby Goodkind.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry!!! I know i have been gone for so long, but the city life was draining me and I needed to escape into the woods for a little bit just to disconnect. 
> 
> I'm back as well as regular updates!! 
> 
> hopefully this chapter eases the wait, since i think it's one of the top three defining moments of the story. 
> 
> song rec: sober haha jk unless by hospital bracelet


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